Comedy Column

When life gives you gators, make Gatorade

For Kim Kardashian’s 40th birthday, Kanye West gifted his wife a hologram of her father, Robert Kardashian (who passed away back in 2003 due to cancer). The hologram went on to praise Kim for success, her decision to become a lawyer, and her union with Kanye (“You married the most most most most most most genius man in the whole world. Kanye West [sic]”). In other news, most Americans have reported that they are, in fact, still poor. And single. And all alone.

In Russia, “The Sausage King” (pseudo named Vladimir Marugov), was attacked by masked assassins and murdered in his home sauna with a crossbow. The attack occurred when Marugov and his wife were relaxing in their country residence, where then Marugov was tied up in his bathhouse, and held for ransom. Marugov’s wife escaped through a window, and was able to alert officials. Despite the fact that this took place in Russia and sounds more like a James Bond plot than a real-life event, you could say that Marugov’s wife had an ‘arrow escape’.

In Madagascar, scientists have rediscovered a rare and thought-to-be extinct chameleon known as the Furcifer voeltzkowi chameleon. F. voeltzkowi chameleons have relatively short life spans, living only a few months after they hatch. Female F. voeltzkowi chameleons (which have never been documented before) have very distinct and colorful patterns when they become stressed, pregnant, or encounter males. Honestly girl, same.

Known as the 16 Psyche, a rare metallic asteroid currently being studied by NASA, is about the size of Massachusetts (140 miles in diameter) and has been estimated to be worth about $10,000 quadrillion (or, $10,000,000,000,000,000,000). 16 Psyche orbits between Mars and Jupiter, and stands as one of the largest objects of our solar system’s main asteroid belt. Thought to be made potentially of pure iron and nickel, NASA has set out plans to build a unmanned spacecraft to study the asteroid for 2 years, hoping to gain more information about Earth’s core. Hearing this, Arnold Schwarzenegger has decided to reappraise his muscles, said to also be made entirely of iron.