The Meadville Tribune reported on April 17 that the Cambridge Springs Borough Council awarded contracts for paving and seal coating during their meeting on April 15.
“I’m glad we got the paving contract handled,” said one of the council members. “But why the hell have we given a contract to provide seals with coats? We don’t even have a zoo in town.”

A Vanity Fair headline on April 16 read “Republicans Rush to Defend Trump in Blatant Bids for VP Pick.”
Rush is from Canada. I highly doubt Geddy Lee or Alex Lifeson are aiming to be the U.S. vice president.

Three horses went missing from a Vernon Township farm in mid-February, according to the Meadville Tribune on April 19.
They are now believed to be stolen, according to the Meadville Police Department.
“I don’t buy into this kidnapping angle,” said Chuck, an Assateague wild horse, whose cousin is one of the three stolen horses. “Ronny and his buddies are probably halfway down to the island to meet up with me and my pals.”

The Arizona Coyotes are headed to Utah, according to the Arizona Republic.
Owner Alex Meruelo can reactivate the hockey franchise if he can manage to find land and build a new state-of-the-art stadium in the next five years.
He spoke highly of the quality of players that have flocked to join the Coyotes in recent years.
“Everybody wants to play in Arizona,” Meruelo said (real quote).
The team’s record of 36 wins and 46 losses has not been up to par with the skills of the players.
“Sure, everybody wants to come here,” said the only diehard Coyotes fan. “But nobody wants to win here!”

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution on April 19 asked “What’s driving Georgians to vote?”
I would imagine most people are using cars, some are catching the bus and a few going by train.
The Iowa legislature’s 2024 session has officially ended after an all-night marathon, according to the Des Moines Register on April 20.
“I’m glad they decided to work through the night to push some bills through,” said an Iowa resident. “I don’t see why they had to run a marathon while doing it, but whatever floats your boat I guess.”

China’s ambassador to Canada has left his post, according to Reuters on April 21.
Cong Peuwi has served since 2019 but has recently returned to China.
“It’s unfortunate that he left his post,” said the head of the mailroom at the Chinese Embassy in Ottawa. “He didn’t provide a forwarding address so I’m not sure what we’ll do with all his incoming post.”

ESPN reported on April 21 that former Pittsburgh defensive end Dayon Hayes has landed in Colorado from the transfer portal.
“I have no idea how I got to Colorado,” Hayes said. “I was in my living room when a portal appeared and sucked me in. Next thing I knew, I was in the middle of Colorado.”

The Seattle Times reported on April 20 that the Washington GOP have endorsed Semi Bird for governor.
“He’s our best option,” said one of the delegates. “Whole Bird and No Bird were contacted first but both gave a Sherman statement, so we were left with Semi.”

The Toronto Police Service dispatched officers to the Ontario legislature on April 16 for reports of a suspicious package, according to CTV News.
The package was later determined to be powdered gravy.
“Thankfully we were quick to respond,” said a TPS officer. “We’ve set up a perimeter around the building as we wait for the package of instant mashed potatoes to arrive.”

Two vultures were found drunk and unable to fly in Connecticut, according to UPI on April 19.
The birds were taken in by an animal rescue group and given treatment.
“I tried telling them I was good to fly,” said one of the vultures. “But they wouldn’t let me leave.”
They were released after an overnight stay.
“My head was throbbing,” said the other vulture. “Thank goodness we didn’t try flying home.”

Manchester United manager Erik ten Hag attempted to downplay his team’s shortcomings on April 21 when it took a penalty shootout to defeat Coventry City after relinquishing a three-goal lead in the FA Cup semifinals.
In a post-match conference a media member called the performance embarrassing.
“I can’t see that word,” Ten Hag said. “We can’t look away from it but it’s not an embarrassment. As I say, it’s a huge achievement” (real quote).
I have to agree with Ten Hag. Being forced to go to penalties against a team that hasn’t been in the Premier League since 2001 and barely scrape by with the win isn’t an embarrassment. It’s grounds for termination.

Several members of the British army broke free from the Household Cavalry on Wednesday morning, according to CNN.
The members are believed to have escaped during routine exercise, which consisted of six soldiers and seven horses.
Five of the soldiers took off after concrete fell off a conveyor belt in operation at a nearby construction site.
“Those buggers were nearly free, we should’ve let them leave,” said one of the soldiers who witnessed the escape. “One of them threw me off his back when he went trotting out the yard, he could have seriously maimed me!”
A press conference was held after the soldiers capture.
Q: Do you enjoy being in service to the king?
A: “Neigh.”
Q: Why did you not inform the other soldiers of your plans?
A: *Squealing noise.*
Q: How would you describe the conversations of the Cavalrymen?
A: “Whinny.”