By KATIE BRONG
Contributing Writer
For those of us who have ventured into the world of sex tips, how many have ever found what they were looking for? You never know why you pick up that magazine or follow the link, but there you are reading about fluffy hand-cuffs, ice cube massages and satin underwear-blindfold-gags. Is the sex you’re having not fun enough? Not satisfying you? Not satisfying your partner? Fears of inadequacy fester inside you. Gross.
But hey now, don’t take it personally. It’s not your fault sex can seem so weird, especially since our culture normalizes zoning out, disassociation and objectification during sex. Knowing what we want, how we want it and where is not an easy thing to learn, it takes a lot of openness and practice. And absolutely, bondage, role-play and other sexual, consensual activities can help bridge intimacy gaps, but for those who are not excited by chains and whips, don’t fret. There are many ways to combat the roles and power plays that permeate our sex lives and kill our creativity. So don’t invest in that anal plug just yet, here are some tips for subversive sex.*
1. Role switching: Ever feel like you’re always being dominated? Or maybe you’re always dominating? Like sex is just being done to you, not with you? Sex and gender can overlap and trap people in feeling like there is only one way to act in bed. These attitudes can confuse “performance” with reality. Try flipping the switch, or neutralizing these notions altogether. Switching roles can be a whole new way to love yourself or your partner (or like your partner, whatever).
2. . Move focus away from genitals: Genitals, mouths, orgasms. Is that all there is to life? No dude. No. The whole body is full of good bits. Try focusing less on this trio and more on nerve endings as a whole. I know you know that arms and thighs are just as beautiful as that pink stuff. You can suck ankle bones as far as I’m concerned. Just try it. Skinfinite possibilities!
3. Laughter: You know what’s funny? Boobs. Balls. Queefs. Farts. I’m not talking about laughing at your partner’s body (please don’t). I’m talking about stop taking yourself so seriously. Laughing is an excellent way to relieve tension, step out of your “performance” and neutralize the self-imposed expectations of hotness that we’re all so obsessed with. You don’t have to act like a porn star all the time (unless you want to). Relax and smile. You’re having sex.
4. Role playing: Once we have successfully neutralized those pesky sex roles that we take so rigidly, sex can be as fluid as, well, water. With consent and an open minded and excited partner, anything is possible. The world is your oyster. Explore taboos, yourself, your fears, and your spots with an open mind.
So there you go. Have fun, be safe, and wear protection. And no, I’m no hero, but you can thank
*Slingshot Collective and their 2014 planner for the excellent subversive sex tips.
