Ravine threatens to secede

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If Texas can do it, so can we!  Texas Governor Rick Perry has gained much support in his claims that, due to the federal government’s obvious inadequacies, which clearly have absolutely nothing to do with pre-Obama administration, there is no reason why Texas shouldn’t eventually just secede from the union.

Students living in Ravine feel similarly oppressed.  With hurtful stereotypes such as “Ravine Rats” and the refusal of close friends to visit, who can blame the poor residents of Ravine-Narvik Hall for believing secession is a viable option?

Perry makes the valid point that Texas’ economy is thriving compared to the rest of the country.

Similarly, some think Ravine Hall could function easily as a college of its own.  (A course schedule would include “FS101: The Wu-Tang Clan Conspiracy” taught by Professor Brett Bacon, “FIFA and Becoming a Pokemon Master “taught by A-tower, “Wilderness Survival Skills Given You Have Insta-Mac and A Microwave” taught by C-tower, and “Women’s Rugby” enforced by E-tower).

Resident T. Milton, part of the building’s T-Pain party, thinks that seceding from Allegheny College would drastically improve living standards. “Seceding from the college…would give us a lot of leeway in redesigning the building.  For example, I think that fire poles would greatly increase the efficiency of traffic thorough the building as students often collapse from exhaustion after the hike through the woods, clogging up all of our stairwells.”

Currently, the design in Ravine-Narvik Hall can only be likened to Hogwarts due to the frequently shifting staircases.

Seemingly innocent bulletin boards, such as the ones covered with pictures of optical illusions, dinosaurs and promotional fliers can only be assumed to be promoting a decidedly “hippie” agenda.  Optical illusions? Blatant promotion of the mysterious drug known as “marijuana”?  Dinosaurs?

Governor Richard Perry would also be horrified at this pro-“evolution-theory” propaganda.  Promotional fliers?  As if the Mucho Great Eats at The Cantina need advertising!

Perry and his various Tea-Party supporters have commanded the government to step up its game, lower taxes and simultaneously stop with all of this “debt” nonsense.

Here in Ravine we have a few demands of our own.

First: We want a bridge through the woods and over the ravine which will cut our walking time by at least two minutes and our approximate number of stair-steps by six thousand and four. If not, we will grudgingly accept a ropes course/zip line.

Second: We were promised an air-hockey table and multiple fireplaces, none of which work.  To compensate for an entire years’ worth of deprivation, we will settle for a soft-serve ice cream machine and a small guard tower on top of E-tower with a high-powered telescope so that we can observe other students on campus and pretend that we are interacting with them in a very socially acceptable sort of fashion.

Third: A basket of fresh fruit in front of our doors would be nice.  However, as we generally worship our mother-like building maintenance person, we would like this to be the duty of several miniature henchmen assigned to do her bidding.

Fourth: We are absurdly far away from the security building, which presumably lends an aura of well being to the part of campus actually documented on maps.  To feel safe from potentially dangerous woods creatures, such as overlarge squirrels or rioting, ravenous zombies (sometimes known as “comping seniors”), we would like an underground bunker stocked with enough quesadillas to last us at least three decades.

Fifth: Free T-shirts.

If our demands, which are perhaps more reasonable than those made by venerated Governor Rick Perry, are not met, we will continue to talk very strongly about how, if we wanted, we could secede.

This is, after all, a win-win situation: just as Texas will either be taxed less or thrive as a minicountry right between Mexico and a super-accepting America, we in Ravine will either get our security bunkers and ice cream or we will be able to release ourselves from the “wonderfully weird” stigma placed on us due to association with the weirdos living in other, more central dormitories.

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