Comedy Column

Brain empty

Techies are excited for Apple’s new iPhone 13 that was just announced on Tuesday, and will be released on Friday, Sept. 17. All reports are saying this model is very similar to last year’s iPhone 12, touting a new A15 Bionic processor, better cameras and a smaller front-facing sensor notch —  the same exact phone for more money. You know what they say, a new Apple a year keeps the wallet all clear.

This year’s Met Gala theme was the American Experience. Among the many prom dresses and plain suits, there were a few stand out moments. Lil Nas X brought not only “extravagant king,” but “golden knight”, and “sexy peasant” all in one. We saw three versions of Wednesday Addams, with the best rendition going to Pete Davidson. Grimes brought a sword cast from a Colt AR-15A3, and A$AP Rocky rolled right out of bed with a quilt for the event. Dan Levy was our personal favorite with his geographic suit, once again putting Canada above America on the map.

A Liverpool man suspected of secretly being Sicilian crime lord Matteo Messina Denaro, who disappeared in 1993, was arrested and detained by police while visiting the Netherlands with his son for the Dutch Grand Prix. Denaro is wanted for 50 murders and is high ranking in the Sicilian Mafia. Upon being released, the cops asked that he kindly “fuhgeddaboudit, ayyyeeeeee.”

Miami Hurricanes fans proved the American flag was useful for something at a game last Saturday, Sept. 11, when they caught a cat which had been dangling from an upper deck. After the cat-astrophe was avoided, fans held the free-falling feline in a pose reminiscent of “The Lion King.” Nothing could sum up a truer demonstration of American Paw-triotism.

A Texas City lawyer was recently arrested on Galveston beach for simply taking a stroll. However, he was dressed in a full Michael Myers costume. With tropical storm Nicholas rolling in in the background, many of the shots appeared similar to the impending sony-sponsored remake of the events.