Comedy Column

And then there were three?

Rand Paul, a trained eye doctor and junior senator for the state of Kentucky, has been challenging the word of Dr. Anthony Fauci and the CDC since the beginning of the pandemic. Paul has recently been spouting ivermectin — a large animal dewormer, which is used on humans in very select cases — as a cure for COVID-19. This begs the question: if 200 mg of ivermectin is the recommended dose for cows, how many cows make up a Rand Paul?

James Cordon, Billy Porter, Idina Menzel and Camila Cabello — all cast members of Amazon’s upcoming ‘Cinderella’ — were recorded blocking out and dancing in a Los Angeles intersection on Aug. 27. The internet collectively sighed at the event, with a majority of twitter users taking the opportunity to flame the actors. Just another example of an out-of-touch elite class within the American experiment. Is the UK sure they don’t want James back?

Laura Beloff, artist and associate professor at Aalto University in Finland, may have discovered a new object of scientific research when she noticed that a plant in her office made a quiet clicking noise as she sat there alone, but would stop when someone else walked in. Although researchers have proven that sound can affect the ways plants grow and produce, it is still speculated whether or not they can audibly communicate or are sentient. Some might say Beloff spent enough time touching grass. I think she might have touched too much of that “special grass.”

Texas pro-life group live-action tweeted an computer generated image of a fetus on Aug. 31 in support of the anti-abortion senate bill 8. Twitter users were quick to point out visual similarities between the fetus in the promotional image and the H. P. Lovecraft monster Cthulhu. To be fair, if Lovecraft had seen the poorly rendered CGI fetus he probably would have thought it was one of his monsters too.

The Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine has received a new name to go with it’s FDA approval for use in individuals 16 years and older. Their choice? Comirnaty — pronounced koe-mir’na-tee — is a combination of the words COVID-19, community, immunity and mRNA. Considering how hard it is to understand people when Zoom buffers, the name makes more sense. However, if I’m going to have to say Comirnaty out loud to other people I’m putting myself back into quarantine.

Amazon’s former CEO and everyone’s favorite multi-billionaire Jeffrey Bezos has taken to filing complaints and attempting to sue NASA after losing an awarded contract with the agency. Fellow multi-billionaire and CEO of SpaceX Elon Musk was the winner of NASA’s $2.9 billion contract, much to Bezos’s dismay. The two have been fighting it out in the courtroom and on twitter, as Musk tweeted on Aug. 27: “Turns out Besos retired in order to pursue a full-time job filing lawsuits against SpaceX.” Musk’s net worth totals enough money that over 120,000 American households would never have to work again, and Bezos could cover over 130,000. If it were up to me, I’d send them both into space. And maybe just leave them there.

On Aug. 26, Kijon Griffin of Atlanta, GA stole a mortuary van from a crematory parking lot while fleeing police. Though the back of the van was open, police didn’t expect a gurney to roll out, let alone with a body still onboard. Griffin was able to escape and is still at large despite crashing the van into multiple vehicles and blowing a tire. Not only did he shake the cops but he also shook off some deadweight in his escape. I expect the same theatrics at my funeral.