Not-so-modest proposal: Liberals for dinner

It is a melancholy object to those in this great country who, when they meander through the streets of even the most illustrious of cities such as New York, D.C. and Meadville, see the streets, the shops and the doors of buildings of academia crowded with liberal rats of both sexes, all in recycled tire shoes and importuning every passenger for healthcare.

These liberals, instead of being able to work towards honest campaigns, are forced to employ all their time being condescending towards anyone of a separate political mindset.

I think all parties agree that this prodigious number of rabble rousers, who spend their time biting at the heels of true democracy and who practice deviant sexual acts with little to no remorse, are often inundated with like-minded children and young adults, who spend their time in the arms of each other and contribute greatly to the deplorable state of the union; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making this unruly horde a useful part of the commonwealth would deserve to have his or her name mentioned in a Lady Gaga song.

But my intention is far from being confined to the re-education and re-allocation of these societal pests; it is of a much greater extent and begins with their offspring as soon as they are pulled from the wombs of their inexplicably righteous mothers.

Having turned my thoughts for many days upon this important subject, I have thought of a method that would kill several avian beings with a single stone. My scheme would not only provide future soldiers to fight the plague brought upon us by demons of terror, but would also salvage the economy so weakened by left-winged souls and prevent those voluntary abortions (and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas!).

A practice that would move the most sincere of beings to proclaim undying love of his mother for all eternity, for she did not eschew him when he was helpless, and wrench from his flabby chest the gift of life.

The number of female liberal inhabitants in this kingdom being usually reckoned over ten million, of these I calculate there may be about over ten million who practice sexual acts, possibly without the intent of conceiving a child, from which I subtract three females who would keep children that have come about unintentionally, and then go on to earn a decent living on reality TV shows.

For the other over ten million, I would surmise that at least a million will carry an infant fully to term, without adequate means to raise the child.  The term adequate, I might hasten to add, would include the ability to foster a child in firm moral grounds, which would be impossible without the presence of a strong father figure, so often absent from these profligate liaisons.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowledgeable foreigner, with no ties whatsoever to the bonds of non-democratic nations, that by taking a child from an incompetent mother, as deemed by the government, and, rearing the child in a uniform setting with constant exposure to Fox News and Evangelical talk shows, as aided by the simple materials of rope and electrical tape, the child will be able to comprehend simple reasoning despite genetic handicaps.

Furthermore, with less than two decades of labor on national farms, the produce of which will be allocated for the greater good of our modest nation, these children will be strong enough to take on the most arduous of tasks — namely, combating the slippery evils of terror.

I calculate that the highest cost of raising these children shall be sustenance; and, despite the maelstrom of blogging that will doubtless ensue, I propose we feed them predominately with corn.

And now I respectfully approach the last point of my proposal, which is to say, that there will potentially be those who cannot comprehend the knowledge with which we dutifully impart them, and, who, after their time in a military setting, demand socialist evils such as social security and public libraries.

An adult human being, between the heights of 5’5″ and 6’2″ in Birkenstocks, can be assumed to weigh anywhere between 100-200 pounds, give or take. As a lean cow can be expected to yield 60% of its body weight in terms of Big Macs, I hope it will not be too presumptuous for me to speculate that at the very least a single dissenter could provide 50 lbs of fresh meat.  Because our nation is, notably, the greatest in the known world, it can be assumed that this trend will be, excuse me, ravenously imitated in other lands, who will desire the resultant exported game, thus greatly increasing our GDP and allowing us to free ourselves from debt and eventually purchase the Middle East.

In the spirit of brevity, I shall now cut short my sincere proposal, and profess that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country.