Moronic mascots

I have lots of opinions. Actually, I mostly have opinions on things that don’t matter at all, but they are very strong opinions nonetheless.

I find important issues tend to be filled with confusing and troubling shades of grey.

But no one, and I mean no one, can convince me that Michigan isn’t the state that is the coolest shape.

I don’t care how convincing your argument for Florida is. I will not be swayed!

A prime example of my unyielding opinion concerns our mascot, Chompers.

First off, color me unimpressed with that name.

I heard they did a contest to name him. That is the best we could collectively do? Seriously, past student body – that was your best shot? It doesn’t seem very original.

Maybe I’m missing something. How about Allen? Or Allison?

Granted, I hear – I don’t understand, but I hear – that maybe not everyone likes alliteration as much as I, but that would be just plain awesome.

Even Timothy, in deference to our illustrious founder, would work.

We were briefly known as the ‘Timothians’ before we thought up the much more clever Gators.

It’d be nice to go for a little bit of classy history with the name.

Why are mascots never female? Is this like boats, only the opposite?

I don’t see why all mascots have to be butch and ferocious.

This is another reason why I do not like the new Allegheny Gator redesign.

I’m just confused on why we felt we had to have a redesign, unless it was because someone said, “Hey, you know what? I don’t think our mascot looks enough like the University of Florida’s mascot.”

They are, by the way, the only other college in the country with a green gator mascot (learned that little fun fact at Orientation- thanks, Lynn Zlotkowski!).

Our old one was so cute and friendly.

He was wearing a letterman’s jacket!

That’s adorable!

But he wasn’t merely a chick magnet: he still maintained an attitude of fierceness.

Also, does anyone else hear this, when others learn that we are the Gators: “There are no alligators around there, are there?”

Uh, no, there are not.

There are no tigers in Cleveland Heights either, but no one seems fixated on that.

I mean, if we were required to be accurate about the fauna in the area when picking mascots, my hometown would be more like the Fightin’ Deers, or the Sprayin’ Skunks, or, most likely, the Inordinately Fat Squirrels.

But luckily we are allowed some creative license, so I don’t see why people are surprised we are the Gators.

Gators are ferocious, tough, smart creatures, and that’s enough for me.

And another thing: Colleges making ‘Lady’ a prefix before a sports team composed of female athletes.

Why are we making the assumption that a tiger would be male, unless otherwise specified?

Or that someone playing sports would be male, and if they aren’t it needs clarifying?

It’s not as if when one sees a gator in the wild, they are like, “Look! A Lady Gator!”

The only time that is appropriate is for Kenyon, the Lords and Ladies.

Fine. That is accurate.

But everyone else better watch out, because this is something I have an opinion on, and I’ll be paying attention.