The Compost – Coach Fired


After a record year and pleasing members of the campus, a coach in the athletic department has been fired for making the playoffs.

“We strive for mediocrity,” said a member from the athletic department. “How are we going to call ourselves ‘wonderfully weird’ if we’re going to be making the playoffs and looking athletic?”

The coach was coming off of his best year in which the school hosted a playoff game for the first time in 7 years. However, some say he was too successful for his own good.

“We tried to warn him, we’re really pushing ‘weird’ this year,” said college trustee  Rob Rancid. “But he wouldn’t listen, the team kept winning. As that went on, you knew he was just digging his own grave.”

Students were happy with the winning percentage, but knew that sooner or later the luck would run out.

“It was nice to be good for a little while,” said Allegheny fan Cal Clay. “We knew that it couldn’t last forever, because after all, we were winning.”

Winning ways at Allegheny College can only last for so long.

“It was fun to attend games in which Allegheny won,” Clay said. “But after a while, it was like, oookay, when are we going to start losing again?”

The department didn’t disappoint mediocrity–seeking fans as they let the coach go without a real explanation. However, true Allegheny fans know the real reason: the coach was just too good.

The school is currently looking for a new coach who can combine weirdness with athletic mediocrity. Some may say: that’s surely an unusual combination.