The Compost – Like a bridge over troubled crosswalks: Allegheny geniuses propose a new plan for the future of our distinguished college campus

By MRS. MAGORIUM & HILDY JOHNSON

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When thumbing through old Meadville Tribunes last week around Tuesday, we came across an old article blasting Allegheny students for not paying attention to their surroundings (or, specifically, the large vehicles in the ignored surroundings) while crossing the crosswalks on North Main Street.

As Alleghenians, we feel we must respond ever so belatedly.

We…have a solution.

It just so happens that while watching our hamsters (Stu and Stella, hi guys! Kisses!) scurrying about their (spacious) cage, we were hit with an idea.

Like Simon and Garfunkel sang, we must build a bridge over these troubled crosswalks.

We must lend our minds to the survival of our intellect.

Where will we be if all of the students of Allegheny are run over like roadkill?

What will happen to the future of our country without our shining minds to light the way?

Where? Where?

No where. We will be…no where.

This bridge will be made of recycled pop cans and plastic bottles. Constructed out of biodegradable Elmer’s glue and duct tape, it will stand as a testament to what great minds and great legs can do.

No more will Allegheny students have to wonder if their recycling is truly being reused. They will be able to climb on it and over it. And maybe, just maybe, they’ll recognize one of their dearly departed Aquafinas.

One can hope.

This bridge will grow. This bridge will be a growing bridge; a bridge of community and friendship.

However, we realize that this bridge does not solve the whole problem. After all, eliminating one crosswalk does not eliminate them all.

What about those lengthy treks between classes?

What about those late–night study sessions when it snows?

How about those poor fools in Ravine who must climb, yes, climb, countless stairs to their dorm rooms?

What. About. Them?

We have…another solution.

No longer will we use sidewalks. No, we will learn from the moles and tunnel. We will build concrete passageways from building to building, just as our forefathers moved from sea to shining sea.

In an effort to conserve our waning supply of energy, these tunnels will be lit by solar panels. On the days it is cloudy, we will use torches. What is good enough for Nicholas Cage is good enough for us.

To reduce fear of inter-tunnel mugging, there will be trolls and dragons patrolling the passageways. We, the students, will usher in a new age of peace and prosperity for pedestrians everywhere. And all will give thanks.

As an added bonus, the people of Meadville will no longer have to look at the people who they so despise, nor will the students’ hopes and dreams be dashed on the rocks of cruelty.

We will tower over them or tunnel beneath them.

It will be…as though we never existed.

Mrs. Magorium is a sales clerk at Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. She can be reached at [email protected] Hildy Johnson is a hard-edged journalist and long-time “friend” of Cary Grant. She can be reached at [email protected]