If you’ve ever wondered, mid-massage, whether your cat would like to experience the same relaxation and stress relief that you enjoy, have we got a video for you!

Now, we don’t want to steal from Tosh.0, but this may require a Video Breakdown:

1.) Let us start off by saying that the editing on this video is amazing. Nothing’s been shot from the same angle or distance, so as her sentences are spliced together, it looks like she’s moving around in stop motion.

2.) “Petting is just randomly petting. Most people will go mid-back. Ehhh!” We already feel so enlightened. Thanks for opening our eyes on that one.

3.) “If you’re right-handed use your right hand, left-handers use left. Or, if you’re right-handed try using your left instead, and ‘vica versa.’ Good for you! Use two hands to double your pleasure, double your fun!” Again, brilliant directions, total obliviousness to what it really sounds like she’s saying.

4.) Everything involving the tiger stuffed animal in lieu of a real cat is pretty awesome.

5.) “Remember that old Simon & Garfunkel song? ‘Slow down, you’re movin’ too fast!’ That says a lot about life and cat massage!” If only this woman could discover the hidden meanings behind so many other songs.

6.) Three sentences in a row using the word “caution” rather over cautiously, followed by a Whisker Watch Alert, complete with urgent, red blinking graphic on screen? We know not to mess around now. Especially when it becomes upgraded to a MAJOR Whisker Watch Alert.

7.) “Drooling. In this case, a drooler is not a person specializing in rings and watches.” Ha. Ha. Ha. Having one’s sense of humor deteriorate to the level of this woman’s, full of corny puns about cats, is reason enough to never, ever become a cat lady.

8.) Drooling is a “very expressive and unconscious form of approval. Remember, you can’t fool drool. MMMMMMMMMMM!” This is where we wanted to stop watching, but our morbid curiosity about what could happen next got the best of us.

9.) And thank goodness, because with quotes like “You don’t need a swimming pool for this kind of breaststroke!” and “Bellyrama!” and our first exposure to the classic cat lullaby, “Who’s the best cat in the United States?” we would’ve missed out on prime opportunities to laugh at this woman’s delusional yet devotional affection for her cat and the art of cat massage.

Personally, we’re dog people. And unless there’s some kind of dog massage video out there on the interweb that’s even weirder than this one, we think we’ve made the right choice.