Student government changes to monarchy

This article was produced for The Compost, our April Fool’s issue. The contents are entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to real people or events is entirely coincidental.


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Allegheny Student Government decided democracy isn’t really the form of government that suits it best. On Tuesday, ASG  implemented an enormous structural change to its constitution: monarchy.

The group started questioning its current constitution earlier this semester, when several senators became fed up with the extended process that they’d had to endure just to earn a senator position.

“It was like a never-ending roll of red tape that kept sticking and getting tangled,” said ASG Senator Dustin Browne, ’12.

Browne recalls wondering why he needed to obtain signatures from random people in his class vouching for his capacity to run for a senator position.

“It got me questioning how anyone can possibly qualify someone else to have a position in government,” Browne said. “I mean, if I can’t even guarantee how successful my own ruling abilities will be, how can somebody else do it for me?”

Half of ASG, including Browne, believed the group should look to the Almighty for guidance on important decisions—particularly, who should control the governing body. The group plans to  implement the divine right of kings.

“Divine right is generally viewed as an outdated approach to government,” said ASG vice president Becky Chen, ’11. “But how can God ever expire or become outdated? He can’t, bitches. He can’t.”

By leaving matters up to God, ASG believes the elimination of frustrating election processes will provide the group with more time and energy to concentrate on important issues that matter to the student body.

“We’d have more time to coordinate activities for the students, like free drinks from GFC or professional massages,” said Kaitlyn Pepperham, ’11, ASG’s current director of student affairs. “We can also spend more time planning our awesome ASG formal on an expensive cruise liner.”

ASG representatives that opposed switching to a monarchy believed eliminating democracy from student government would be to take a huge step backward in time and progress.

“To be honest, I’m shocked that this proposal has gone as far as it has,” said the current director of student voting, Aaron Heidel, ’12, before his death. “We’re Americans, we live in a democracy. The people have the power to decide who they’re governed by. That’s why we vote.”

Heidel and the other representatives opposed to the switch have been beheaded on a guillotine constructed by the Playshop Theatre’s set shop.

Students interested applying to be elected to the monarchy system are NOT invited to attend the next open meeting.

In fact, all meetings are closed from now on. All ASG activities, funding and communication are frozen forthwith, until some sign appears from God.

Funding appears to be frozen for an especially long time, since ASG recently spent the entire student budget on a real golden crown.