This article was produced for The Compost, our April Fool’s issue. The contents are entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to real people or events is entirely coincidental.
By BON QUI QUEEF
At a recent Greek spring formal, three Allegheny students were caught drinking Coke in the bathroom of their formal location.
The Allegheny College soda policy will be used in the judicial period of these students, which permits use of non-Pepsi soda beverage by student, specifically Coca-Cola, since the college signed a marketing contract with Pepsi in 2004.
The contract also stipulates that Pepsi be exclusively offered in McKinleys, Brooks and provided for free to prospective visitors in the Admissions office.
“We are very, very disappointed to hear about the incident,” said the spokesperson of the Allegheny College marketing consortium. “We’re a Pepsi campus and this behavior from students is not cool, bubbly or refreshing at all.”
One of the students caught drinking the beverage, who will remain anonymous here, apologized to the administration for her actions, stating that she felt pressure to get down on Friday.
“The next day was Saturday and then Sunday came afterward,” she said. “I didn’t want the weekend to end and I thought Coke would be a good way to have fun, fun, fun, fun.”
According to the Greek organization’s social chair, everyone was excited for the weekend, weekend, but the festivities were cut short when the students were caught by security making their rounds.
The students would not reveal where the Coke came from. The managers of the formal location will not be pressing charges but are officially barring all Greek organizations from Allegheny College from renting the space for future formals.
“I don’t think it’s fair that one group made a mistake and they rest of us have to pay for it,” said Valerie Motts, a member of Chi Xi Chi.
Representatives from Coca-Cola Global said they were glad to hear students branching out in their tastes but did not endorse breaching of contracts with their competitors.
“It wasn’t a surprise to hear they preferred our product,” sources said. “These things happen all the time. College kids will be college kids.”
The Greek organization has been placed under probation by the Inter-Greek Council. The students caught with the Coke have been given a choice: 500 hours of community service or hosting prospective students overnight for every single visit weekend until they graduate.
Matthew • Apr 11, 2011 at 9:25 pm
1) Satire has been upheld in the Supreme Court as a legitimate means of expression and a constitutional right.
2) Slander is spoken, libel is printed. Ignorance is inexcusable, particularly when you make unsubstantiated and irrelevant claims without even knowing the meaning of the word you’re using.
3) The Campus spent exactly one April Fool’s issue on “fake, no purpose stories like this.” It’s not a problem of the legitimacy of the work involved and the integrity of the writers themselves, but of a few bitter people who have no sense of humor and who have no idea how to handle a joke about a scandal. Anyone who is not in the know about what this article MAY refer to would not make any disparaging assumptions towards any group on campus, but by raising some self-righteous huff, you will only encourage people to wonder and investigate.
4) Comparing a vague, light-hearted, satirical article about soda pop to hate crimes and hate speech against minorities may be the most inaccurate and ignorant comparison I’ve ever read, and does not speak well of whatever organization you may be trying to defend. I’m more offended by that than by anything that was printed in “The Compost.”
5) This WAS funny.
6) This SHOULD have been printed.
7) As the saying goes, if the shoe fits, then either discover a sense of humor or do a line of blow off of it.
Senator H. Money Whiteman • Apr 12, 2011 at 6:08 pm
Under no circumstances should these girls be subject to what you refer to as “satire” or “due process” or “for once in their miserable lives actually taking responsibility for their vapid and fatuous behavior.”
Though they may have been using illegal stimulants in a very public setting, spitting in the face of all college organizations with their careless and self-centered disregard for the law and Allegheny Code of Conduct, and partaking in essentially the most idiotic and dangerous possible activity you can be a part of at a college party, remember:
They are Greek, they are white girls, they are (ostensibly) physically attractive, and some of their parents are most certainly wealthy. The law is very clear in cases like this: full, free, and absolute pardons all around. Three huzzahs for equal justice under the law!
This is Senator H. Money Whiteman and I approve this message.
Earl Sweatshirt • Apr 8, 2011 at 2:32 am
Does anyone actually know what slander means? This is not it. It’s a satire of an event that ACTUALLY happened, but doesn’t really accuse anyone of anything.
Could most of the people at Allegheny please get a sense of humor? Seriously, lighten up. It’s okay to laugh.
greg • Apr 3, 2011 at 12:09 am
The Campus should spend less time on fake, no purpose
stories like this, and maybe they’d actually produce a decent issue
once in a while.
John • Apr 2, 2011 at 9:17 pm
LOL its not slander, its satire. No names were mentioned at all. You’re the only ones drawing attention to the possibility that something else went on…
willow • Apr 1, 2011 at 9:54 pm
Wasn’t there just a march on campus against hate and
negativity? What possible purpose does this article serve?
lazer • Apr 1, 2011 at 6:59 pm
This is absolutely slander. this is not funny and should
never been printed