James Carville, best known for his work as a strategist for Bill Clinton’s 1992 presidential campaign, has voiced his concern that the Democratic party may have “too many preachy females,” in an actual quote reported by The Hill on March 24.
Thank goodness that Carville, still riding the coattails of a victory 32 years ago, has decided to stand up and preach. A preachy male is just what the Democratic Party needed.

The Guardian reported on March 25 that a man from Texas has changed his name and announced he is running for president.
Formerly known as Dustin Ebey, the man now known as Literally Anybody Else, has decided to run for president due to his dissatisfaction with Donald Trump and Joe Biden.
He will have some competition as rumors of Anyone But Them and God Please Not Them Again entering the race have been circulating.

The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported on March 26 that the Rivers Casino will host The Barenaked Ladies on Sept. 27.
Tickets will start at $49.
“This is going to be great. Usually if I want to see barenaked ladies, gamble and drink I have to make multiple stops,” said a casino patron who has apparently never heard of the band The Barenaked Ladies. “I’m going to start saving my $1 bills now so I’ve got plenty come show time.”

Virginia Gov Glenn Youngkin has vetoed a bill that would have legalized the commercial sale of marijuana according to Politico on March 28.
“If I would have let the bill become law,” Youngkin said. “There would have been so many less people to arrest and the state would have made millions. What part of that sounds good?”

The Hill reported on March 29 that a division is forming in the Maryland Senate primary. This comes in the wake of frontrunner Rep. David Trone (D-Md.) using a racial slur during a budget hearing.
This has caused a shift in support to Angela Alsobrooks, the executive of Prince George’s County.
Studies show that Trone’s support is growing on the other side of the aisle after his racial slur use.

The Tory party will lose nearly 1,000 years of experience when 66 members of Parliament step down come the next election according to The Guardian on March 29.
“It’s a tragedy. All these elder statesmen will be replaced with new young politicians,” said a Tory supporter from Manchester. “Do you know how hard it will be to find a young Tory that is willing to ruin the U.K. like all these MPs were?”

A suspected shoplifter led officers on a chase in Albuquerque that ended in the suspect being detained according to the Albuquerque Journal on March 30.
The suspect was alleged to have stolen over $230 worth of merchandise from a Walgreens. In the video released by the Albuquerque Police Department, you can see the officer chase the suspect on horseback through the parking lot. The suspect was eventually surrounded by three mounted police and taken into custody.
“Just another day at the office,” said one of the horses who took part in the chase. “It’s not often we get involved in a chase so it was great to stretch our legs a bit.”
The horses have been approached by the organizers of The Kentucky Derby to see if they would be willing to do the honorary First Trot before the race begins.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have started their season 6-1.
After going 5-0 for the first time since 1983, the team has finally lost.
With that first defeat, all expectations of success can finally be thrown out the window.

The Derry Journal reported on March 28 that a man was charged with stealing a can of Smirnoff Ice from a Tesco on March 19.
The man had taken a can of Smirnoff Ice from a four pack and drank it without paying.
He was eventually arrested and fined £250 (roughly $268), as well as an additional £5.25 ($5.64) to compensate for the can he drank.
In more positive news, he has also set a record for consuming the most expensive can of malt liquor by having to pay $273.64 for the individual can.