Politico reports that Florida state Rep. Tyler Sirois has put forward legislation intended to criminalize the sale of lab-grown meat. Sirois said he hopes Florida will become the first state to ban “cultured” meat.
I don’t know what’s more amazing — not wanting to minimize environmental effects that come from the growing of animals the “old-fashioned” way, or that this lab-grown meat can quote Shakespeare, has multiple Leonard Bernstein CD’s, and appreciates a good French wine.

Major League Baseball owners voted unanimously Thursday, Nov. 16, to permit the Oakland Athletics to relocate to Las Vegas, according to ESPN.
“I know — I know — this is a terrible day for fans in Oakland. I understand that,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred (Yes, this is a real quote).
At a fictional afterparty celebrating the decision, Manfred added: “But it’s a great day for the owner’s wallet, and at the end of the day, that’s what really matters.”

The Des Moines Register reports that AMC has closed the last remaining movie theater in the Des Moines metro area.
“I’m glad to finally have a venue for my performances,” said a local shadow puppeteer. “I’ll even let people bring in their own snacks.”

Ultramarathon runner Joasia Zakrzewski has been given a 12 month ban by UK Athletics after it was revealed that she used a car during a race, according to CNN.
“This is just outrageous,” said a fellow anonymous runner. “I took a train during a race two years ago and I’m still banned, what’s the deal?”

British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak canceled a meeting with Greek Prime Minister Kryiakos Mitsotakis on Nov. 26. The New York Times reported that the meeting was scheduled for Tuesday until the abrupt cancellation by Sunak. The decision was made after Mitsotakis appeared on British television on Nov. 25 calling for the return of the Parthenon marbles.
“You have to honor the rules of the game,” said an anonymous parliamentary aide. “No takesies-backsies.”

Javier Milei is the new president-elect of Argentina. His policies are interesting, to say the least.
The BBC has gathered quotes on certain positions held by Milei.
“I do not deny climate change. What I am saying is that there is a temperature cycle in the history of the Earth,” said Milei. “Therefore, all those policies that blame humans for climate change are false.”
That sounds like climate change denial with extra steps.
Milei has described Pope Francis as the “representative of the evil one [the Devil] on Earth.”
After winning the election, the Pope was invited to visit Argentina next year.
What’s a politician without flip-flopping on a formerly firmly held position?

Francesco Camarda made his debut for AC Milan in Serie A on Nov. 25. At the time of the match, he was 15 years and 260 days old. That broke the record previously held by Wisdom Amey, who debuted at 15 years and 274 days old for Bologna FC, reports CNN.
“Fran’s playing for AC Milan in the top flight of Italian football,” said an anonymous classmate. “Meanwhile, I’m just trying to wrap my head around trigonometry.”

Pittsburgh Regional Transit CEO Katharine Eagan Kelleman defended the agency after Dan Yablonsky of the Pittsburghers for Public Transit said the agency has a “service crisis,” reports the Pittsburgh Union Progress.
Kelleman denied it was a crisis.
Since early 2020, the agency’s operators have gone down by 14%, and service has been cut by 13%.
Kelleman stated that 20% to 25% of applicants quit before their training ends.
That doesn’t sound like a crisis at all. That’s more like a predicament or a dilemma, perhaps a disaster; some may say a calamity. It’s definitely not a crisis.

Daryl Hall has been granted a restraining order against John Oates.
“He’s out of touch, and I can’t go for that,” said Hall. “I had to hire private eyes to help get the order granted.”
The duo has released 18 albums together since 1972. Three of those albums have gone double platinum.
“I asked him to sleep on it [the restraining order] and see what he thinks when the morning comes,” said Oates. “I’m sorry, but the music is bigger than both of us. I think we’ll be back together again.”
When reached out for comment on Oates’ comments, Hall only said, “Some things are better left unsaid.”

During an interview on Fox News with Sean Hannity on Dec. 1, Newt Gingrich made multiple comments on how California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) handled the debate with Florida Gov. Ron Desantis (R)
“There were two things going on,” Gingrich said. “Praising Joe Biden to prove to the Democratic party he’s loyal and personally attacking Gov. Desantis because he couldn’t answer the questions.”
Gingrich went on to critique Newsom for personal attacks against Desantis and the state of Florida.
The man who laid the groundwork for the modern-day antics of politicians should be the last person to criticize a politician for using personal attacks.
Why is it so hypocritical of Gingrich to complain about Newsom’s debate decorum?
“One of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don’t encourage you to be nasty,” said Gingrich on June 24, 1978, at a national College Republicans meeting (Yes, this is another real quote).

Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious unless otherwise noted. We take no responsibility for any laugh-induced hysteria you may have experienced as a result of reading this column.