Comedy Column: Run it back

A North Carolina couple was hiss-terically attacked by a rabid bobcat in their driveway. In a video caught on home security cameras, the husband fur-tunately grabbed the big cat, throwing it across their lawn. Surprisingly, it didn’t land on its feet. Talk about claw-enforcement.  #Cat-astrophyAvoided

A New Hampshire couple’s gender reveal party caused a small scale earthquake last week, the effects of which were felt miles away. The father in question used tannerite, an over-the-counter explosive, and colored chalk to essentially create a gender reveal bomb. Although he was arrested, the man claims he shouldn’t be held at “fault.” Attendees called it a “ground-breaking shakesperience.” #BabyBoomer

Fox News host John Roberts recently apologized for falsely claiming that the Biden climate action plan would limit red meat consumption by 90% — allowing only four pounds of red meat per American per year. You heard it here first: Fox hosts are obsessed with what Biden will do to their meat #stillinthecloset

On the private Isle of Budelli, an 81-year old Italian man is being evicted from his private life by local officials to be made an active part of La Maddalena Park. The man, unlike the rest of the world, now has to go out and engage with society. His complaints are hard to take seriously. #socialdistancingwhat

In Lincoln, Nebraska, Josh Swain organized a battle royale for hundreds of his fellow “Joshes” to fight it out for rights to be the one true Josh, all the while raising money for Children’s Hospital & Medical Center Foundation of Nebraska. “The Joshening” brought 50 joshes and thousands of attendees together, with 4-year old Joshua Vinson Jr. ultimately crowned the victor of the pool noodle duel. It’s never too early to start prepping for college. #ASG

With spring sports starting up, many fans have begun questioning the safety of attending “the big game.” Dr. Anthony Fauci suggests that once vaccinated, masked attendees shouldn’t be worried about outdoor events. He says he, “would not hesitate to go to an outdoor baseball game.” This however, fails to warn of the dangers of baseball-induced boredom; a silent killer. #threesneezesyoureout

Material scientist Aravind Vijayaraghavan (pronounced “vuh-jahy-nuh,” or “via-a-gruh” for those over 65) has been working with grants from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to make condoms out of “the world’s thinnest, lightest, strongest and best heat conductive material.” The condoms are made of graphene — an ultrathin carbon atom compound — and are only an atom thick and a few micrometers wide. Given it’s been in development for 8 years, Vijayaraghavan’s start-up got Gates’ tap long before they had time to wrap. #Phallicyornah?

In a recent development, Amazon Prime has created a grocery delivery system, where subscribers can order groceries online from Amazon Fresh Stores or Whole Foods and get their groceries delivered directly to their garages. The system was tested in US cities starting in November 2020 and is now being made available to over 5,000 US cities and towns. Lots of fantastic enterprises were founded in garages: Apple, Google, my lack of self-control… #GETINMYBELLY

A recent NASA study has been exploring the atmospheres of nearby planets. Using the spectrometer Gemini telescope, researchers discovered that the planet Uranus’s clouds appear to be made up of hydrogen sulfide. Though suffocation would kill any visitors long before they could take in the stench, the hydrogen sulfide smell would be world-wide. NASA confirmed: Uranus smells like rotten eggs. #StinkyLikeUranus

A Miami private school is refusing teachers who have received the COVID Vaccine from seeing their students. “Health freedom advocate” administrators and parents were fearful of potential unknown side effects that would cause infertility or harm to women’s bodies. Imagine a world where parents are more concerned with the fertility of their children’s minds rather than teachers’ reproduction. #fertilitea