Comedy Column

A by-product of the COVID-19 pandemic, the national coin shortage has local businesses strapped for cash. A combination of closed doors, slowed mint production and lack of cash flow all around, stores are unable to cash out from banks to fulfill transactions with customers. Guess this is just another statement from the universe that from these last two quarters, America is indeed out of (common) cents. 


In California, a family dentist practice provides animal therapy to support its patients —  specifically a 13-year-old toothless chihuahua named Kismet. Word on the street has it that patients were walking out with some brand new canine teeth 😉


In an effort to meet its 2024 deadline, NASA has pledged to pay private companies between $15,000-$25,000 for digging and collecting moon rocks. The move towards creating a ‘lunar marketplace’ and extracting resources from outside the planet will historically mark the first transaction to take place off the Earth. So—  Class of 2020 and 2021, now’s your chance to snatch a job that is literally “out of this world” and become the rock-star you’ve always dreamed of!!!


Former Theranos CEO and Stanford dropout Elizabeth Holmes is prepping for her October court date by seeking out expert evidence “relating to a mental disease or defect or any other condition of the defendant bearing on … the issue of guilt”. Holmes and her former COO have been charged with wire fraud back in 2018, committing a multi-million dollar scheme defrauding doctors, patients and investors. Maybe someone should tell her: experiencing guilt for scheming thousands of people out of their life savings isn’t a mental disease —  it’s karma. 


Last Saturday, Oxford University resumed trials of its COVID-19 vaccine. It is currently in phase three testing, and may potentially be the first to hit the market. That’s it. That’s all I wanted to share. No punchline. Just get me oUT OF HERE PLEASE SOMEONE