The Compost – A heartworming television show

By HILDY JOHNSON

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Connoisseur of words that I am, I am rarely at a loss when the time comes to pontificate away about my latest televised obsession.

But this week’s offering just had me dancing my way around my wee apartment after the pilot, and I felt the need to share.

Trouble was, I just didn’t know how. How to explain the subtleties, the intricacies, the carefully plotting and nuanced performances dominating my screen?

How to describe the sheer ecstasy of watching untalented “actors” and “actresses” fudge up their dialogue and flitting from screen corner to screen corner with “meaning” in their eyes?

Look at that.

I just did!

“Westtick” hit the small screen with the force of a fly on Monday night, complete with an opening song by Insects 4 Every1 and dreamy costumes by Insecticide.

The pilot garnered a 1.1 rating and a .002 share, clearly showing its connection with exterminators everywhere.

“Westtick” follows the lives of three witchy ticks, Dermacentor Veriabilis, Amblyomma Americanum and Ixodes Scapularis. They live in the deep, tall grass suburb of Shrub, just off of the fictional Highway 95.

All three are outcasts in their own way: Dermacentor because of her liking for the mating season, Amblyomma because of her gusty news articles in the “Tickin’ Times Paper,” and Ixodes because of her large brood of young ticks and absent husband, Useless.

All three ticks meet up for a nice decanter of blood to dish about their unfulfilled lives (Highway 95 is off of the beaten track, and waiting for fresh blood is a days-long process).

Soon enough, they find themselves whipping up a potion for some commotion. Soon enough, Rhipicephalus Bursa shows up, a big tick with a lotta somethin’ somethin’. The town of Shrub is immediately thrown in to chaos, with the three witchy ticks at the center.

The Asinine Broadcasting Commission (ABC) has a rocky history of both ingenuity and utter stupidity. “Westtick” is shockingly well-acted. Facial expressions aren’t easy to convey when all you have at your disposal is a pair of well-defined pinchers, but the cast seems to be doing just fine.

I, for one, plan on fixing my schedule so I can view these ticks for as long as possible. You never know what can happen in Shrub.