The Compost – Sharp tension in the air over human darts plan

Courtesy of flickr.com

By CROCODILE MALSBY

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Following the wild success of last semester’s Human Chess game, GAP is planning Human Darts, a far-flung and exciting event for the upcoming Semi-Springfest next weekend (so renamed because of the likelihood that snow will still be falling on Brooks Lawn on April 10).

Teams of six may sign up in the Campus Center lobby this week and next for the event. The game will consist of six rounds, during which each team member will take his or her turn as a human dart,. The humans, as darts, will be hurled down Brooks Walk by their teammates toward a Velcro bull’s-eye.

GAP defends the event amid concerns that it may be too dangerous, not to mention that the use of humans as virtual missiles raises moral upheaval over the violence implied by Human Darts.

“I find the accusations that this event promotes violent behavior a bit unnecessary,” said GAP Wacky Velcro Activity (WVA) Chair Honey “Stick to It” Howitzer, ’10. “It’s really all in good fun. We’re not promoting violence or hatred, we’re promoting the joy of soaring through the crisp spring air toward a cushiony target.”

Assistant WVA Chair Dirk “Daredevil” Duncan, ’11, who proposed the event after participating in an activity similar to Human Darts on an EL trip to Sweden, agrees. He added that GAP has taken the proper precautions to ensure that no one gets hurt should they not reach their inflatable destination.

“All of Brooks Walk will be covered in wrestling mats, with an added layer of memory foam pillows in assorted bright colors,” Duncan said. “It’ll be safe, but festive, and much more attractive than all that ugly brick that’s everywhere on campus.”

President Mullen has publicly supported Human Darts despite the controversy surrounding the activity.

“We Gators are not inherently violent folks, and the entire community exudes such understanding and tolerance that I am certain that we will all lovingly come together at Semi–Springfest through activities like the wonderful and lighthearted Human Darts event,” Mullen said via an e-mail to the student body. “There will be no hatred or danger at Semi-Springfest, that joyous and mirthful annual ritual into which I am so grateful this community has welcomed me over the past year and a half. We are Allegheny, and on Semi-Springfest, we are Darts!”

Mullen is even preparing to captain a team, though the roster so far consists of just himself and Barb Steadman, secretary of the college, whom he handpicked because “she seems very aerodynamic, like she’d fly really far.”

Other campus higher-ups have exhibited far less gusto than Mullen toward Human Darts, including Sue Plunkett, director of the Winslow Health Center.

“Students need to know what they’re getting themselves into by signing up to be these human darts,” Plunkett said.

“You know, if we have thirty people getting concussions coming into our waiting room, we can’t treat them all, because we don’t have the staff for that. We’ll probably have to just send you home with some crackers and lozenges so you can recuperate on your own. I would advise students to engage in safer activities during Semi-Springfest, instead of this darts nonsense. Watch a movie or something, or come down to our H1N1 clinic, because we have plenty of vaccines left that you all should be getting.”

GAP is still confident that Human Darts will not pose harm to any students and encourages teams to register.

“The whole campus will be there to cheer you on as you and your teammates are flying toward that target, so why wouldn’t you want to come out and be a human dart?” Howitzer said.

Registration is free of charge, though donations will be accepted to collect money in order to buy Velcro shoes for children in developing countries. Teams may sign up between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. in the Campus Center lobby where Howitzer, Duncan and Mullen will be tabling.