This article was produced for The Compost, our April Fool’s issue. The contents are entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to real people or events is entirely coincidental.

By PRESHOUS QUEEN QUEEF and ALDA TODDS

[email protected], [email protected]

In an elitist effort to distinguish their reporting from the debatable newsworthiness of any part of the campus body, “The Campus” newspaper is in the process of instituting a name change.

“We wanted something that reflected how little we care about students, their activities, their achievements and relevant news regarding Allegheny,” said Editor in Chief and Brat-in-Residence, Alexandra Jaffe, ’11. “By calling ourselves ’The Campus,’ we’re implying we want to be incorporated into the daily lives of our readership. That’s just not the case.”

A poll “The Campus’s” business manager, Dan Bauer, ’13 thought about distributing but didn’t reflect a 90 percent acceptance of a new name on campus.

“I thought about asking people, but decided to make up statistics instead,” Bauer said. “I hate my job,” he added. “I hate my life,” he added again. “I am a shell of a man,” he said.

Proponents of the name change feel that it will add validity to the newspaper’s true cause.

“True cause? I have bylines posted online and was accepted to 17 broadcast journalism schools,” said Katrina Tulloch, ’11, news editor. “Aside from getting more bylines and more acceptances to schools, I don’t really know what you mean by ‘true cause.’”

Despite the grayness of the higher purpose of printing the news, Tulloch was in agreement with the new proposed name change.

“If I wrote for ‘The Campus,’ and then I wrote for a newspaper with a different name, it’d be like I wrote for two newspapers instead of one,” she said. “Hello, resume booster!”

While details for the new name are still in the works, most editors agree that it should be an amalgam of their names and self-proposed “spirit animals,” so as to insert each editor’s personal agenda, while pretending to remain unbiased.

“I’m thinking ‘The Bauer Centaur,’” Bauer said, despite his spirit animal being a dumb egret, or an osprey, or some other dumb bird that makes its nests on top of stoplights.

“The Blue Pocket Bear Courier,” Jaffe proposed as her contribution to the paper’s new image.

When asked how a made-up bear could be her spirit animal, however, the editor in chief of the former “Campus” looked baffled. As later research suggests, the pocket-sized blue bear, while non-existent in the real world, permits Jaffe to deny that the real world indeed exists beyond her imagination, and thus remains her unchallengeable spirit animal.

While Features Editor, Brittany Baker, ’11 could conceivably vote for a name change, and she has multiple spirit animals ranging from giraffes to tabby cats, she has never done any real work on the newspaper. She therefore deferred comment to someone who actually went to the twice-daily editor meetings regarding the new transition.