By: Broseph McPhi

Okay, before I get into this week’s review, I just want to articulate how pissed off I am about not being in Panama City with my bros.

I was all set to go, but then my mom was like, “Hey, you need to come home to watch the dogs while I’m gone all week for your sister’s soccer tournament.”

So with the guarantee that the only girl I’d be hooking up with over break was Jill (see diagram), I decided to splurge a bit and look for some high-brow porn to stream.

I finally settled on a site that featured political themes since, you know, that’s like my major (both Poli Sci and banging chicks).

But after searching long and hard for a working password to enter the site (I’m not paying for porn, that’s for the real creepers) I was thoroughly disappointed with “Senatorial Sluts 2: The Erectoral College.”

Just to get it out of the way, the video quality was horrendous.

What kind of membership-only porn site shoots in standard def and then tries to stream it?

I didn’t convince my mom to get cable Internet so that I could stream torrents and watch pixilated porn.

It was so bad, I could barely tell where her nipples were, let alone the shaved coochie design she was rocking.

Secondly, both the film’s character development and continuity were despicable. Though the film clarified which states the Senators represented, it failed to establish who exactly the women were besides “slutty lobbyist” or “mother against drunk driving.”

If I’m theoretically paying for this entertainment, I need more convincing characters. What is your cause, slutty lobbyist?

Why is this MILF so against drunk drivers?

This might seem minuscule, and it would have been acceptable had the rest of the film been better, but the final straw for me came once I discovered the flaw in the title.

I get that ‘erectoral’ is a great use of innuendo, but the Electoral College has absolutely nothing to do with senators. When I realized this, admittedly later than I should have, I wanted to click away in hopes of finding another Sarah Palin spinoff, but my obligation to the newspaper kept me watching.

The actual sex in this movie was impressive, which made the overall product even more disappointing.

Had there been a reason for the couple to be going for a reverse piledriver face fuck against the side of the Senator’s desk, this film would have an AVN Award. The sex was so good that it actually made me feel proud that I was able to find a way to stream it for free.

Almost every scene featured flawless sexual rhythms, minimal cuts and fantastically creative maneuvers.

Who would have thought a rocking desk chair would make such a great device for inverted pleasures?

The cinematography was also impressive, limiting the amount of male faces and butt cheeks while perfectly capturing every explosive money shot.

The audience gets plenty of close-up pussy pounding and copious amounts of bouncing boobs—although again, the nipples were hard to discern.

None of this could make up for the clear lack of effort in both the character development and continuity department, though.

If I wanted to watch people bone down for seemingly no good reason, I’ll go stream “Hungry Whores From Hell: The Fuckening” or “Swallow the Leader.”

“Erectoral College” gets a passing, but still mediocre, C-.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to Jill.