OBIT: Daniel J. Flowers dies tragically, 52

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Daniel J. Flowers, ’11, died at a Sig dance party Saturday due to a heart attack that the county coroner has ruled was a result of sexual overexcitement.

Flowers had been dancing to and enacting the details of the song “Love in this Club” with freshman Ophelia Drag, when she slipped on the sweat and alcohol that covered the floor of the basement.

Unable to move due to his physical entanglement with Cunte, Flowers remained pinned to the floor, writhing in an agony that Drag mistook for ecstacy.

“I thought he was enjoying himself!” she said through tears. “I guess I realized it when he said, ‘I’m going!’ and stopped moving.”

Drag will not be prosecuted for her unfortunate mistake, although she has received what she referred to as an “assload” of drunk texts over the past week.

“They all say they want me to bone them like I did to Dan,” she said. “I can’t say I’m not flattered.”

John Heim, ’11, one of Flower’s dearest friends, says he attributes the untimely death to the fact that this was Flowers’ first time.

“He was so excited for this dance party,” he said sadly. “So, so excited. Looking back, I probably should’ve realized that he was a little too excited.”

Flowers will always be remembered as the charismatic voice behind “Sundays with Danny,” the WARC hour that showcased the remarkable accomplishments of local senior citizens. He also laid out a section of the paper, but he was replaceable.

He leaves behind two sisters and a mother and father, all of whom have expressed gratitude simply for the fact that he didn’t die a virgin.