OBIT: Sports Editor, age six

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In a tragically characteristic moment of apathy, Sports Editor of “The Campus” Charlie Magovern died after leaving a note that said, “I was going to call you for help, but then I just said, ‘screw it.’”

Magovern was found, camera around neck and notebook in hand, in a puddle of his own blood.

Because his note lacked description (just like his articles), the cause of death is unknown. His will asks that he not be buried or cremated, but donated to science. “But not nerdy science,” Magovern said, according to his last will and testament. “Sports science. Like that show on ESPN.”