The CBC reported on Aug. 25 about how Mac DeMarco went from an impish kid to an indie superstar.
“The first thing I did was make a deal with a local wizard in Edmonton,” DeMarco said. “I had to bring him the eye of a newt, scales from a dragon and a poisonous apple, and in return he transformed me from an imp to a human.”
The Edmonton Wizard was unavailable for comment as he was only able to be reached by magic messenger owl.
According to The Hill on Aug. 25, Snoop Dogg is “scared” to take his grandchildren to the cinema after watching Pixar’s “Lightyear,” a 2022 film that featured two openly gay characters.
I’m not sure what’s more strange: Snoop worrying about a film that came out three years ago and is no longer in theaters, or that a man who faced a murder charge is scared of LGBTQ+ representation in cinema.
California Governor Gavin Newsom, a Democrat, has been making headlines lately for his outspoken comments against the Trump administration and congressional Republicans, in a clear attempt to shore up support for a potential presidential run in 2028.
Surely he’s not also engaged in rhetoric that can be construed as anti-homeless and anti-trans, much like the Republicans he’s been attacking.
The Erie Times-News reported on Aug. 25 that Erie Public Schools students were greeted with a red carpet upon returning to school this year.
“They think they’re so fancy, but they don’t even know how fancy school can get,” said an Erie private school student. “All of our hallways at my private school are red carpet, and they are auto-rolling.”
Republican Sen. Susan Collins was confronted at a press conference and ribbon-cutting ceremony in Searsport, Maine, on Aug. 26, by a group of protestors who were loudly booing and chanting “shame,” according to The Daily Beast on Aug. 27.
“It was a great event,” Collins said. “The crowd was ‘oohing’ and yelling ‘Maine.’”
The Toronto Transit Commission is ramping up service as students head back to school, according to The Toronto Star on Aug. 28.
“This might be my greatest idea yet,” said the CEO of TTC, Mandeep Lali. “We’ve sped up the streetcars, allowing them to travel as fast as the underground subway, and we’ve installed ramps that will launch streetcars full of kids directly from their stop to their school, allowing them to save time getting to school.”
The BBC reported on Aug. 28 that more than 280,000 crimes went unrecorded last year, according to a police watchdog.
“Of course they went unrecorded,” the dog said. “I don’t have thumbs and have never learned to type. How in the world was I expected to record anything?”
The Department of Veterans Affairs has moved nearly $2 billion in funding for its health care system to pay for care from private providers, according to CNN on Aug. 28.
It’s not like last year VA hospitals outperformed non-VA hospitals, according to the Medicare & Medicaid Services Hospital Consumer Assessment of Healthcare Providers and Systems star ratings. It’s not like veteran trust in VA care was an all-time high of 92% last year, based on a VA survey of more than 440,000 veterans.
Clearly, the private health care system can solve the laundry list of issues above.
Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious unless otherwise noted. The Campus is not responsible for lack of laughter as a result of this column.
