The Compost – North Village Phase 14 underway

BY BALLERINA POTLUCK

Over spring break, Director of Residence Life Joseph Hall announced the groundbreaking of North Village Phase 14.

“We are honored to finally have enough housing to accommodate all students,” Hall said. “No longer will first-year students be subjected to living in their Baldwin floor’s lounges, without windows or any ventilation.”

Despite the certainty of housing for every student with the addition of North Village Phase 14, Hall confirms the college’s decision to buy ten more surrounding off-campus houses.

“Nobody gets to live off-campus – not nobody, not nohow!” Hall cackled. “Basically, we’re planning to move all the students into North Village.  Phase 2, Phase 14, Phase 37, whatever, we’ll just get everybody in there and we’ll be good.”

The future of the current housing is in question.

“I wonder what will happen to our established residences of Schultz, Ravine, Edwards, Caflisch, Baldwin, Brooks, Walker, Walker Annex, Allegheny Hall, College Court, and Allegheny Commons – will they just be empty?” asked one student.  “What? Oh yeah, and Crawford.  Always forget about that one.”

Hall has disturbing news for the residents of these dormitories.

“Listen, this is off-record,” Hall whispered.  “Mold is taking over, like, everything.  Have you even seen Caflisch?  The basement has nearly rotten away because of the flooding every summer.  I’m surprised people still store stuff down there.  That’s why we’re moving everyone.”

Students are also concerned that tuition will rise astronomically as a result of adding these new structures.

“Yes,” said President Jim Mullen. “Yes, it will.”

There have been complaints that the campus is getting “too sterile” by building more and more new residence halls, instead of renovating the old ones, which carry historic value.

“We can’t afford to renovate old structures – we’d have to do all this re-piping and re-wiring; no one has the time or money for that,” Hall said.

“So we’re just building more North Village phases.  So far, it’s working fine, and the students love it.”

Thus far, this seems to be true. Claus Traphobick, ’13, is excited to be part of the college’s strategic plan to bring every student to North Village.

“I was worried that I’d end up in Ravine or some makeshift room that used to be a lounge,” Traphobick said. “North Village Phase 14 is really nice, and even though my parents had to take out a second mortgage on our house to pay for it, I feel like the college is really taking my needs into consideration.”