The Compost – Admissions suspicions

By MERCATORASAURUS

Allegheny College President James A. Mullen was discovered holding secretive meetings in the 404 House, or the new admissions building, Saturday night.

Students returning early from spring break caught Mullen in the act as they frolicked outside celebrating the last night of spring break without school in the morning. Near the building, they heard a loud voice coming from inside.

One student, Nancy Drew, ’13, previously held a suspicion that something odd was going on in the admissions building at night.

Earlier this year, she noticed that the lights in the admissions building stayed on throughout the night. The building is cleaned during the night throughout the week, but should be empty on weekends. With motion-detector lighting, it was suspicious that they would be on all night on a Saturday.

“When I heard that noise, I knew something was definitely up,” Drew said.

A fellow student, George Fayne, ’13, found an open window for the students to climb through. The first floor was empty.

“But the place was lit up like a freaking Christmas tree,” Fayne added.

As they quietly ascended the stairs leading to the second floor, students began to hear muffled voices.

Ned Nickerson, ’11, felt the suspense running through the students.

“It was a little scary at this point,” Nickerson said. “I had no idea what to expect.”

They could catch some of the words being said such as “religion” and “world domination.”

Drew and Fayne, who were leading the way, peaked their heads above the top step to witness the speaker.

Sitting in a circle were Mullen, along with a few unidentified students, professors and members of the community.  Fayne first noticed that in the circle sat the two men who handed out bibles along the crosswalk and those that held the abortion protest as well.

After listening for a while, the students discovered that Mullen intended to brainwash the entire student body by gradually enforcing religion and discouraging sexual activity. Eventually, he planned to take over the world one college at a time.

He said the only way the world can survive is if strict religious practices are enforced to minimize the everyday sins, which are so obviously displayed here at Allegheny, Fayne said.

Mullen said the abortion protest and the bibles were last chances for the students to change their sinful ways. But he hadn’t noticed any improvement in their behavior; therefore he planned to take action.

“He made it sound like we are all evil, horrible people who are undoubtedly going to Hell,” Nickerson added. “Then he said that he would make an example out of us. I felt threatened.”

Nickerson realized that they were in over their heads, so he descended the stairs and called the Office of Safety and Security, who arrived on the scene minutes later.

Although the students were forced to leave the building, they witnessed the police arriving soon afterward.

The Office of Safety and Security refused to comment on the current whereabouts of the college president however, the Board of Trustees is now searching for a new president.

Police said a press conference is being scheduled for next week.