In its simplest form, a relationship between a dominant and a submissive is one where there is an established power dynamic, with one person directing the actions of the other.

This kind of relationship is a sliding scale of commitment, ranging from slight authority only in the bedroom, all the way to a full-time master/slave relationship. Some couples dip their toe into the waters only once in awhile, perhaps going no further than a pair of handcuffs and a blindfold, and others have their entire relationship defined by who is “in charge” of the other.

But how do you make sure that this remains a healthy relationship? Often this can be pretty complicated. Before this relationship is established, you must make sure you have a clear set of boundaries.

Ideally, both partners should sit down and have a discussion about what their “hard” and “soft” boundaries are. The “hard” boundaries are the untouchables, while the “soft” boundaries are ones that can be pushed with the agreement that the other partner will be uncomfortable to begin with. Consent should always be revisited and reiterated whenever moving forward with separate acts.

Many times, this relationship is specific to the bedroom: where the dom is the one giving commands that the sub then follows. These commands also often include some kind of punishment if not performed correctly or to the dom’s liking, and these punishments tend to be something like spanking, blindfolding, slapping or—safely—choking.

These punishments, while meant to hurt to a minimal degree, are not meant to enforce some serious bodily harm. There should be no cuts or bruises on your partner after play is over, unless both partners explicitly asked for and agreed to that beforehand.

Some dom/sub relationships, however, go beyond the bedroom. In these instances, the dom may control what the sub can wear around the house, or out, when they can eat, who they can see and what they should be doing. This lifestyle also comes with punishments that may be less sexual in nature, such as being sent to timeout, or having restricted access to something such as a phone or TV. To some, this may seem like a borderline abusive relationship, but the key is in the consent.

In an abusive relationship, the victim is under serious threat of physical or emotional harm if they do not follow their abuser’s orders, nor did they ask to be given orders to follow. In a dom/sub relationship, the sub agrees to be ordered around and rules and boundaries are set at the beginning. The dom/sub lifestyle, in general, walks a very thin line for many between play and abuse. Again, we can not reiterate enough that consent is what makes healthy dom/sub relationships tick. Without consent, nearly anything counts as abuse or coercion. Make sure to sit down with your partner(s) and talk about what you are and are not willing to do.

In the end, communication is key. Before you begin this kind of relationship, discuss boundaries, agree on a safe word, and always ask and reiterate consent as the act continues. Never set out to injure a partner maliciously, and have fun!