The Buffalo Bills have agreed to deal with 5-time Pro Bowl pass rusher Joey Bosa, according to USA Today on March 11.
“We’re going to deal with him alright,” said a Bills executive. “He doesn’t know what he’s got coming.”
A 4-year-old boy in Wisconsin called 911 after his mother ate his ice cream, according to CNN on March 11.
“I can’t believe he called the police on me,” the mother said. “I didn’t realize I was raising a snitch.”
The Goodwill store and donation center in the Penn Hills Shopping Center briefly shut down on the afternoon of March 11 after somebody donated a grenade, according to The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review.
Assistant Manager Brian Minefield called 911 and evacuated the store upon learning of the grenade.
“I know a grenade when I see one,” Minefield said. “How could I not with my last name?”
A brawl that halted a basketball game between Uniontown and Meadville on March 7 is currently under review by the Meadville Police Department for potential charges.
This took place roughly 20 years after the original Malice at the Palace between the Indiana Pacers and Detroit Pistons. It seems the curse skips a generation and moves two states over, meaning the next brawl will be at an elementary school in Connecticut.
EPA Administrator Lee Zeldin said on March 11 that he had terminated $20 billion in climate change grants issued by the Biden administration under the Inflation Reduction Act, according to Politico.
“What kind of Republicans are these people?” asked the ghost of Richard Nixon. “This is just ridiculous.”
The Department of Education announced on March 11 that it was firing nearly half of its workforce, according to The Hill.
“If they can just get rid of half the workforce,” said an anonymous student, “then I think I’ll just get rid of half of my student-loan debt.”
Politico reported on March 16 that Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent hasn’t ruled out the possibility of a recession due to the Trump administration’s tariff implementations and planned policies.
“I can’t say a recession won’t happen,” Bessent said. “If one does happen, it will likely affect people in the lowest tax brackets the most anyway so does it even really matter?”
President Donald Trump’s administration made a calculated decision to ignore a judge’s directive to turn around two flights containing hundreds of alleged Venezuelan gang members, according to ABC News on March 16.
The first Trump presidential term was all about packing the courts. It would seem the second is going to be all about ignoring the courts.
The Guardian reported on March 16 that the US Defense Department webpage celebrating an army general who served in the Vietnam war and was awarded the country’s highest military decoration has been removed and the letters “DEI” added to the site’s address.
On March 15, US army Maj. Gen. Charles Calvin Rogers’s Medal of Honor webpage led to a “404” error message. The URL was also changed, with the word “medal” changed to “deimedal”.
Surely that’s a simple technical error and not blatant racism from the Department of Defense.
CBS News reported on March 14 that electric vehicle maker Tesla is warning that the Trump administration’s trade policies could be detrimental to U.S.-based EV companies. This warning came in the form of an unsigned letter sent on March 11 to the Office of the United States Trade Representative.
Tesla sent the letter to USTR the same day President Trump said on social media that he would purchase a Tesla to support Elon Musk and his company’s slumping stock.
It seems there’s trouble brewing at Tesla, with one side bailing to keep the ship afloat and the other side actively drilling holes in the hull.
DISCLAIMER: All quotes are fictitious unless noted otherwise.
