Recently, I was walking to McKinley’s with a close friend of mine. I asked her about her relationship — she’s engaged — and how it started, because my own love life was looking pretty bad for the unforseeable future. What I thought was most interesting about our conversation was how she and her fiance defined their relationship at the beginning.
“We were dating,” she said. But, they weren’t officially committed to each other, so I was confused. How were they dating when they weren’t girlfriends? I had a revelation that night: that the modern version of “dating” is not only completely different but unnecessarily complicated.
The truth is that they were dating because they were going on dates. But now, we call that a “situationship.” I referred to a girl I was flirting with as a “talking phase.” When my friend explained to me that night that she and her now-fiance were literally just dating, my entire view of my own love life changed completely.
Nowadays, relationships and dating have become so overcomplicated that it’s honestly hard to avoid the negative self-talk if you’re not talking to multiple people at once. Not only is there so much stigma around wanting to settle down with one person, but you can’t just be dating someone. Instead, if they’re not your situationship or just a phase, then that automatically equates to being committed forever. The worst of it is that if you don’t find yourself in any of those categories, then you’re a ho, and that’s that.
The most confusing part of it all is that you can’t date to marry someone without being called a loser and you also can’t date for fun without being a ho, and there’s no inbetween. Throw in a mix of homophobia, sexism and racism, and then it’s just impossible to date anyone altogether. But, if you’re not dating anyone — or at least talking to someone — then you’re unlovable.
I guess I’m wondering why there are so many new stipulations to love. A couple years ago, if you were dating someone, that was it. But now, there’s all these new terms and conditions to dating that no one can truly master, and no matter what you do someone has an issue with it. If love is what drives out hate, why are we so controlling over what love looks like for different people?
The weirdest bit is that everyone has to be dating someone. If I walk down the street with my friend who is a man, we must be dating — even though I’m a lesbian and he has a girlfriend. Men can’t have close relationships with other men without being gay, and men and women certainly can’t be friends without wanting to have sex with each other. As a lesbian, if I’m fond of a woman, I must be into her. The thing about love is that it comes in so many different forms, but as a society we’ve pawned it on intimate relationships only and it’s impossible to just be friends with someone.
This Valentine’s Day I want to express my love for my friends and not feel weird about it. I want to be okay with the fact that I’m single and not feel ashamed for not having a girlfriend on the one day of the year where everyone’s supposed to have someone. I don’t have a Valentine and that’s okay! I love my friends and my family unconditionally and that’s enough for me.
I wish people were more open to loving each other, because love does not have to equal dating. I wish there were no such things as situationships and talking phases and that we could just like each other with no tribulations. I wish friends felt more inclined to tell each other they loved one another. I wish people didn’t feel ashamed of being single, or having a fling or wanting to settle down with someone forever.
If you’re like me this Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to take a walk around campus. Appreciate the love around you; it’s in the water people use to hydrate their plants, the giggles from friend groups as they pass, the snowman that sits outside Bentley Hall. Appreciate the sunlight and the fact that you’re alive. Call your friends and tell them you love them, because love knows no bounds. There will always be dogs on the sidewalk that will jump eagerly at the sight of you. Birds will always chirp for you in the early mornings of May.
This Valentine’s Day, remember that there is love all around you, and how lucky you are to be here to experience it.