The Hill reported on Nov. 12 that Pennsylvania Sen. John Fetterman (D) said he would vote to confirm Florida Sen. Marco Rubio (R) as secretary of State if selected by President-elect Donald Trump.
“I’m not just going to toe the party line,” Fetterman said. “That would make too much sense.”
SEPTA is proposing a 21.5% fare increase that will take place on New Year’s Day that will be followed by severe service cuts in July, according to The Philadelphia Inquirer on Nov. 12.
“With these cuts coming we figured it’s best to raise the prices,” said a SEPTA spokesperson. “That way we could rob people of as much money as humanly possible.”
Donald Trump has nominated Mehmet Oz to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services.
“I can’t wait to lead the CMS,” Oz said. “I plan on bringing cameras in so we can capture the looks on peoples faces when I cut their access to healthcare.”
The Erie Times-News reported on Nov. 6 that Erie Mayor Joe Schember has included garbage and sewer hikes in the 2025 city budget proposal.
“No one will agree to that,” said a concerned citizen. “I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less than go hiking through garbage and sewage.”
An emperor penguin was found on the Australian south coast, over 2,200 miles away from his home in Antarctica, according to AP News on Nov. 11.
“I don’t see what all the hullabaloo is about,” said Gus, the penguin. “I’m on vacation and would prefer to be left alone, thank you very much.”
Donald Trump has chosen Pete Hegseth, a political commentator for Fox News as his pick for secretary of Defense, a position currently held by Lloyd Austin, a retired four-star general.
“Everyone makes a big deal out of the fact I’m known for my television appearances,” Hegseth said. “But I was in the military, you know. I was at Guantanamo Bay. I know the ins and outs of torture and war crimes.”
Exxon Mobil Chair and CEO Darren Woods has urged the incoming Trump administration to avoid making drastic changes to current U.S. climate policy, according to Politico on Nov. 12.
Do you know how awful Republican plans for climate change policy must be that a multinational oil and gas conglomerate is saying to take it easy?
Florida representative Matt Gaetz (R) resigned from his position after being announced as Donald Trump’s nominee for U.S. attorney general.
Gaetz has previously been under investigation by the Department of Justice for alleged sex trafficking.
He may be an awful pick, but at least he’s familiar with how the DOJ operates.
The Hill reported on Nov. 17 that Sen. Joe Manchin (I-W.Va.) said the 2024 election shows there is a “need for a third party” (real quote).
As the saying goes, the worst person you know just made a great point.
Former Vice President Mike Pence said that he opposes Donald Trump’s choice of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services because of Kennedy’s support for abortion access, according to ABC News on Nov. 15.
That is what is referred to as using the wrong formula and getting the right answer.
Donald Trump has tapped Brendan Carr to chair the Federal Communications Commission according to Reuters on Nov. 17
“I put up one hell of a struggle,” Carr said. “But at the end of the night, Trump locked me in an armbar and I had to tap.”
AP News reported on Nov. 17 that Donald Trump has selected Chris Wright, a campaign donor and fossil fuel executive, to serve as energy secretary in his upcoming, second administration.
“I love oil and gas,” Wright said. “I’d drink it if I could.”
The Meadville Tribune reported on Nov. 16 that the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation has highlighted projects in the region.
“It was a lengthy process but we’re glad to have done it,” said a local PennDOT executive. “A select few roads in the region are now fully fluorescent yellow.”
Linda McMahon has been announced as Donald Trump’s nominee for secretary of education.
“I plan on teaching the youth of the nation plenty,” McMahon said. “Like how to run the ropes, DDT someone and even how to German suplex somebody.”
Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious unless otherwise noted. Any rib pain from laughter as a result of this article is unintentional and we claim no responsibility.
