The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported on Oct. 31 that $1 million in gambling revenue will be used to help Southwest Greensburg build a new public works complex.
“There’s a lot we can do with a million dollars,” said Mayor Carol Palcic. “Imagine if we put it all on black and won. We could do even more with two million dollars.”
The Los Angeles Dodgers won the World Series defeating the New York Yankees on Oct. 30, winning the series 4-1.
As disappointed as this humorist is in the result, at least the Mets didn’t win.
A Cranston, Rhode Island man known as the “Bearded Bandit” admitted in court on Oct. 30 that the bank he robbed in 2012 he later robbed again in 2019, according to The Providence Journal.
“I remember taking an English class in high school and they told me to ‘Write what you know,’” the bandit said. “I just applied that concept to bank robbing.”
The Times-Picayune/The New Orleans Advocate reported on Oct. 31 that a man attempted to exploit an 11-year-old girl — who was actually a Louisiana FBI officer.
“My client will plead guilty but we have other concerns,” said the defense attorney of the man. “Why has the Louisiana FBI hired an 11-year-old girl?”
The Wyoming Tribune Eagle reported on Oct. 30 that Game and Fish will be hosting mule deer conversations across the state.
“I’ve been trying to get the event going for years,” said the head of the Game and Fish department. “Now we can finally learn what mule deer talk about when no one’s around.”
Atlanta rapper Young Thug’s trial has ended after the performer was indicted over two years ago, according to NPR.
“They wanted to lock my slime up for over 20 years,” said defense attorney Brian Steel. “I couldn’t let that slide.”
ESPN reported on Nov. 2 that Ezekiel Elliot would be inactive for the Dallas Cowboys game against the Atlanta Falcons.
“It was unfortunate to not have Zeke this week,” said Dak Prescott. “Especially considering I’ve basically been inactive for the whole season.”
NBC News reported on Nov. 2 that November will bring a bonanza of meteor showers.
“These meteor showers will form a Bonanza in the sky,” said an astronomer. “Depending on the night, it should look like four or five Nevada ranchers from the 1860s.”
Wired reported on how a Ph.D. student discovered a lost Mayan city from hundreds of miles away.
“I used echolocation,” the student said. “Often my studies drive me to the brink of insanity and so I would often go outside and holler as loud as physically possible and eventually the sound reverberated back to me in the shape of a Mayan city.”
Famed producer Madlib is suing his former manager Egon over alleged mismanagement, according to Pitchfork on Nov. 1
“I don’t know what he expected from me,” Egon said. “I have a doctorate in parapsychology and some experience with Ghostbusting, but none in talent management.”
GQ told readers on Nov. 1 how to run a marathon — even if you think you can’t.
“Step forward with your right foot, then your left foot,” said the GQ writer. “And just repeat that for 26.2 miles.”
Monkeys will never type Shakespeare, according to the BBC on Oct. 31.
“We found that it is impossible for monkeys to type Shakespeare,” said one of the researchers who determined this. “They refuse to do it. They will type the works of Ben Jonson and Christopher Marlowe though.”
Phoenix was ranked one of the coolest US cities by a study, according to The Arizona Republic on Nov. 1.
“I’d like to talk to whoever made that list,” said an anonymous Phoenix resident. “They’ve clearly never been here, this city is by definition not cool.”
A black bear was kicked out of a Mexican restaurant in Gatlinburg, according to The Tennessean on Oct. 31.
“He was probably the worst customer we’ve ever had,” said the restaurant owner. “He was verbally abusive to the staff and kept insisting that his meal be comped.”
Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious unless otherwise noted. Any lack of joy as a result of this article is unintentional and we claim no responsibility.
