David Plouffe, senior adviser to the Harris-Walz campaign, said most public polls are “horses—” according to The Hill on Oct. 14.
“A lot of polls come from Gallup,” Plouffe said. “And everyone knows horses gallop.”
NASA has launched a mission to investigate a potentially habitable ocean world, according to CNN on Oct. 14.
“The planet has been dubbed Kamino by folks in the office,” said an anonymous NASA employee. “We tried to get Kevin Costner to lead the mission since he has experience in these types of worlds.”
There’s an elephant in the room at Keir Starmer’s big investment summit, according to The Guardian on Oct. 14.
“What in the bloody hell is that doing here?” Starmer said. “Who invited an elephant to this summit?”
“I have a doctorate in Economics,” the elephant said. “I didn’t go to Oxford to get talked to like this.”
Lewandowski has been “put in a box” by Trump, according to CBS News on Oct. 14.
“This is great for me,” Lewandowski said. “I’ve only scored about 20 from outside the box. I thrive inside.”
The BBC reported on Oct. 14 that ferry fares will increase by 10% in Scotland next year.
“It’s not fair to raise the ferry fares,” said an anonymous Scottish citizen. “The freeze on fares was to be fair and a few of us fine folk were even hoping for free ferry rides.”
CNN reported on Oct. 14 that China’s newest panda diplomats are headed for Washington.
“This is outrageous. I don’t get why China is allowed to do this,” said a US diplomat in China. “They can send pandas over to do their diplomatic work, but I get chastised for trying to send a few brown bears over to do my work.”
The Guardian asked on Oct. 14 “What does JD Vance really believe?”
The answer is simple; whatever you would like, as long as you have some money.
The Wall Street Journal reported on Oct. 15 that there is a guru who says he can get your 11-year-old into Harvard.
“I can get anyone into Harvard for the right price,” said Jamie Beaton, the aforementioned guru. “I have a friend who works at Harvard and lets me use his keys after hours.”
A planned Erie dog park and brewery has been put on hold according to The Erie Times-News on Oct. 15.
“I don’t know who approved this initially,” said an Erie city official. “Dogs don’t know anything about brewing beer.”
The Pennsylvania Capital-Star reported on Oct. 16 that Democratic U.S. Sen. Bob Casey hit a new personal record in Q3 fundraising, doubling Republican challenger Dave McCormick’s haul.
“I figured I’d get loads of money from supporters,” McCormick said. “I figured people from Connecticut and Pennsylvania would donate.”
Tyra Banks returned to the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show after a 19-year hiatus, according to USA Today on Oct. 16
“Last time I was here they told me to hit the runway,” Banks said. “I thought they told me to run away, so I did.”
The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported on Oct. 17 that Bally Sports broadcast networks could be renamed FanDuel in a new deal.
Bally Sports executives were unavailable for comment.
Executives from FanDuel were willing to discuss the name change.
“Sign up for FanDuel and bet $5 and get $200 in bonus bets if you win,” said a Fanduel executive.
Feds’ approval of Gross Reservoir dam expansion violated environmental law, judge rules, according to The Denver Post on Oct. 17.
“This is gross misconduct if I’ve ever seen it,” the ruling judge said. “It makes me sick.”
A detached house has sold for $4 million in Fremont, according to The East Bay Times on Oct. 17.
“This is my proudest moment as a realtor,” said the listing agent. “I’ve never sold anything that’s detached from reality before, so this is huge for me.”
The Daily Record reported on Oct. 13 that Ohio’s population is shrinking.
“We never should have funded a state ray gun machine,” said Gov. Mike DeWine. “Now we have a ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ situation on our hands.”
Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious unless otherwise noted. Any lack of joy as a result of this article is unintentional and we claim no responsibility.
