Former Republican National Committee Chair Michael Steele predicts that Vice President Kamala Harris will flip Florida and North Carolina, according to The Hill on Sept. 23.
“Sounds good to me,” said a North Carolina resident. “I’m looking forward to having nicer weather year-round.”
Folks in Florida were less receptive to the idea.
“I don’t even own a pair of plain old pants,” said a Florida resident. “How the hell am I supposed to live in the Applachians?”
A new species of Ghost Shark has been found off the coasts of Australia and New Zealand, according to NBC News on Sept. 24.
“These sharks are some of the most difficult to locate,” said an Australian ghost hunter. “Thankfully we’ve got an advanced Psychokinetic Energy Meter we can deploy into the ocean to help find them.”
The Meadville Tribune reported on Sept. 26 that the MASH band addressed the Crawford Central School Board.
The band leaders in attendance were Hawkeye Pierce and Maxwell Klinger.
Boxer Anthony Joshua has blamed his training regime for his speeding, according to the BBC on Sept. 25.
Joshua was caught moving 44 mph in a 30 mph zone.
“I take a lot of pre-workout before I train and the effects last quite some time,” Joshua said. “I was just trying to get home. I didn’t realize I was running that fast.”
Pittsburgh Regional Transit has said the proposed bus route redesign will be a ‘big jolt’ to riders, according to the Pittsburgh Union Progress on Sept. 20.
“We are going to implement exposed wires on all the new bus routes,” said a PRT spokesperson. “It will definitely be a jolt, but we’re hoping for a shock.”
USA Today reported on Sept. 25 that Alex Jones’ Infowars set is to be auctioned off to help pay victims of the Sandy Hook defamation case.
The bill that Jones owes is roughly $1 billion.
“It’s great to see some action being taken against Jones,” an attorney for the victims said. “I just wish the set was worth a bit more. After selling it, the bill will sit at roughly $999,000,980.”
Ryan Reynolds says there was one line in “Deadpool and Wolverine” that Disney CEO Bob Iger asked him to cut out, according to CNN on Sept. 19.
“I can’t complain, it was only one line,” Reynolds said. “How important to the film could it be if I said, ‘‘Sign up for FanDuel and bet $5 and get $200 in bonus bets if you win.’”
In a press conference delivered in front of Trump Tower, Donald Trump said he planned to meet Volodymyr Zelenskyy on Friday morning — and slammed Europe.
“I haven’t seen Trump do something like this since Wrestlemania 23,” said a Trump Tower employee. “He grabbed a reporter during the press conference and hit him with a Blue Thunder Bomb. It was insane.”
The Meadville Central Fire Department has received a grant, according to The Meadville Tribune on Sept. 28.
“I’m happy to be here,” said the new firefighter Grant. “I’m excited to get to know everybody.”
The Seattle Times reported on Sept. 27 that monster road shutdowns were coming to the Seattle area.
“We’re expecting a lot of kaijū activity countywide,” said a King County officer. “So please beware as you hit the roads this weekend.”
Two in three Americans — including majorities of both political parties — say healthcare is not receiving enough attention, according to Gallup on Sept. 30.
Unfortunately, the one in three who believe healthcare is receiving enough attention are those with the power to do anything about it.
Donald Trump is fighting his old policies in a series of flip-flops, according to Axios on Sept. 30.
“I’ve never seen him in flip-flops before,” said a personal aide to Trump. “He’s been talking policy with his dogs out and let me tell you, they are barking.”
Police in Milan have arrested 19 people as part of an operation against hardcore “ultra” football fans, most of whom were accused of having links to the mafia, according to The Guardian on Sept. 30.
Among those arrested were Luca Lucci and Renato Bosetti, leaders of the AC Milan and Inter Milan ultras respectively.
“This is clearly a plot against the Milan teams,” said a lawyer representing both leaders. “I would bet my mother’s sauce recipe that the Juventus ultras had something to do with this.”
Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious unless otherwise noted. Any lack of joy as a result of this article is unintentional and we claim no responsibility.