Surveillance video showed masked robbers plunging through the ceiling of an Atlanta business, in which they stole $150,000 in cash, according to USA Today on Sept. 18.
“I have never seen such a thing before,” said an Atlanta police officer. “These guys had plungers strapped to their hands and feet and used them to scale down the walls into the business.”
ESPN senior NBA insider Adrian Wojnarowski has retired from the network and will become the general manager of the men’s basketball program at St. Bonaventure, according to ESPN on Sept. 18.
“I’ll certainly miss the Woj bombs,” said an anonymous ESPN employee. “The public should prepare to become woefully uninformed on any NBA trade or free agency talk.”
Politico reported on Sept. 18 that the International Brotherhood of Teamsters has declined to issue a presidential endorsement.
“Trump is anti-union,” said a Teamsters representative. “And Harris isn’t, so it made it really really hard to pick.”
Coffee could be more than a morning pick-me-up, according to CNN on Sept. 17.
“It could also be an evening pick-me-up,” a coffee expert said. “If you drink it at night of course.”
NBC News reported on Sept. 18 that a Florida man removed 20 Burmese pythons from Everglades, winning the contest.
“It was remarkable,” said one of the contest officiants. “We never said he had to do it barehanded yet he did.”
The Hill reported on Sept. 19 that President Biden has started working on cementing his legacy.
“He’s as serious as I’ve ever seen him,” said a presidential aide. “He ordered 1,000 bags of Quikrete from Lowe’s.”
The Sharon Herald reported on Sept. 19 that the city has bought the former Phoenix restaurant in Sharon.
“I think we can revitalize the place,” said a Sharon city official. “I think we can raise a new restaurant out of the ashes.”
The San Francisco Chronicle asked on Sept. 21 if California’s tallest mountain has a poop problem.
“Ain’t that some shit,” said a Mt. Whitney park ranger.
Donald Trump has passed on a second debate with Vice President Kamala Harris.
“It’s too late for a second debate,” Trump said. “I can’t risk losing any more face in this race. At this rate my fate as the winning candidate will abate and I don’t think I can abdicate.”
The new French Government has shifted to the right 11 weeks after snap elections saw a left wing alliance come out on top, according to Le Monde on Sept 21.
“I simply don’t care about the people or their opinions,” said President Emmanuel Macron. “It’s not like they matter anyway.”
President Joe Biden has been prepping to sell the economy, according to Politico on Sept. 15.
“He thought it was a seller’s market,” said an anonymous presidential aide. “But apparently, nobody is looking to buy.”
USA Today reported on Sept. 21 that young voters are registering in record numbers.
“It’s really quite strange,” said a voter expert. “People are registering in 33 ⅓, 45, and 78. It’s uncanny. Those are literally record numbers.”
The Pittsburgh Union Progress reported on Sept. 21 that faculty were floating at Point Park University’s president’s parade.
“I’ve never seen anything like it ever before,” said a Point Park student. “The faculty were floating a good ten or fifteen feet in the air during the parade.”
Fluoride is returning to Buffalo water following OK from Health Department, according to The Buffalo News on Sept. 21.
“I’m glad to hear that fluoride is returning,” said a Buffalo city resident. “But I don’t see what Oklahoma has to do with any of this.”
Politico reported on Sept. 23 that Liz Truss believes things would be better if she were still Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
“I only got 49 days as the Prime Minister,” Truss said. “Good heavens, why has Starmer been allowed to get up to 84? This is incredulous.”
Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious unless otherwise noted. Any lack of joy as a result of this article is unintentional and we claim no responsibility.
