I interviewed someone for my journalism class recently about her adjustment to campus, and she seemed to have no issues with move-in, especially none with making friends. While I love that she’s enjoying herself and college, it made me think about myself: about how I’m not enjoying myself, and mostly about how I want to go home.
I moved into campus early, on Aug. 21. I’m a Bonner Scholar, so I spent two whole days surrounded by other freshmen. But by Sept. 3, I still felt almost like a loser. I had no friends. Out of my entire 14 days on campus, I have cried on 12 of them. I have called my mother every day for almost an hour each time. I looked in the mirror recently and I saw what my face has become: stress acne and pitch black eye bags. Most importantly, I still feel alone.
I spent most of these days under the impression that I was the only person who felt like this: who felt sad, homesick and alone. In reality, that’s impossible. Out of around 350 freshmen, there is absolutely no way I am the only person here who is homesick, and especially not the only person struggling to make friends.
Adjusting to college has not been easy, and that’s how it is for a lot of people. We are surrounded by so many big friend groups and sociable students that it’s easy to feel like we’re the only sad people here, but the truth is that we’re not. The even better truth is that we’re not really alone: there are hundreds of other kids on campus who might also miss their mom.
I think one of the biggest things I am learning is that just because I am having a hard time does not mean I do not deserve to be here. We are here for a reason. We are not silly or stupid for feeling sad about being somewhere new, strange and uncomfortable; we are human.
While you get in the groove of your classes that you didn’t really want but you’re too scared to drop, you change your sleep schedule on that tiny and achy bed and you learn to cope with coming “home” to somewhere you hate calling home — because you’re not really “home”— it’s important to remember that you are human. If you feel ridiculous for crying about your parents leaving even though you only live two hours away, remember that life has changed, and it’s okay to grieve your childhood. When you get mad at yourself for being upset, think about the day you got dropped off at kindergarten for the first time, and the heartbreak you felt as your loved one walked away from you and left you there. Mostly, remember that there is no such thing as overreacting when you just watched your entire world change.
My first night here, I sobbed in the shower because I bumped my head on the faucet and I missed my shower at home. When I got back to my room, I cried again because my first aid kit wouldn’t open after I cut my knee open while I was shaving. I missed my mom so badly that every time my RA tried to talk to me, she caught me crying.
The truth is that I am not adjusting well. I am not in a big friend group, I am not out partying, I cannot go a day without talking to my mom and I have eaten every meal but one alone. The truth is also that I’m 18. I just graduated high school, and I had to pack my entire life away in two months. I watched my mom drive away after I moved in and I realized that the life I packed away was no longer the same. It wasn’t only my mom driving away that day: it was my childhood.
I am grieving, and that is okay. I am watching the people around me have fun and make friends, and it is okay that it does not come as easily to me. I’m tearing up while writing this and it’s okay. I hold my stuffed animal so I can sleep every night, and that’s okay. I have cried a lot, but it shows just how human I really am.
As we start this next chapter of our lives — which I’m sure you’ve heard many times, yay for cliché graduation speeches — it is okay to not want to. It’s okay to want to go home. It’s okay to cry.
There are three things that it is crucial you know:
You are never really alone.
It is okay to not be okay.
You are loved. If you are struggling to believe it, know that you are loved by me.
So, grieve and cry as much as you need. Struggle. It is all just proof that you are human.
Be human.