Vice President Kamala Harris pitched to union voters in “blue wall” states, according to The Washington Post on Sept. 2.
The pitch was a fastball low and away going nearly 98 mph.
James Carville lists “imperatives” for Harris to become a “certified fresh candidate,” according to The Hill on Sept 3.
“She needs to have a cumulative review of 75% or higher after a certain number of reviews, between 20 and 80,” Carville said. “And as long as five of those reviews are from top critics she’ll be certified.”
The Guardian reported on Sept. 3 that thieves in Spain were stopped before they could successfully steal over 1,000 lbs of olives.
“We were able to stop them and recover the olives,” said a member of the Guardia Civil. “We caught olive the olive thieves olive once before they could get away olive one piece.”
The BBC reported on Sept. 3 that a drought that dried up the Mornos reservoir in Greece revealed a sunken village.
The residents of the village were forced to evacuate over 40 years ago to make way for a dam, which supplies water to Athens.
Climate change may solve the housing crisis.
A Russian influence operation utilized prominent right-wing influencers to spread propaganda ahead of the 2024 election, according to Axios on Sept. 5.
The influencers claim to have been deceived by the operation.
“We definitely don’t agree with Russian policies,” said one of the influencers. “It’s not like we were spreading this kind of rhetoric beforehand and were glad to finally get a check to do it.”
An asteroid on its way to hit Earth burned up in the atmosphere near the Philippines, according to The Hill on Sept 5.
Those who were banking on planetary destruction to avoid the Oct. 15 tax return extension deadline are sorely disappointed.
The Des Moines Register reported on Sept. 5 that Jay Leno made a surprise appearance in Denison.
He arrived on Big Boy, the world’s largest operating steam engine, and took photos with locals.
“I knew he collected classic cars,” said one of the locals. “I have no idea when he started collecting steam trains.”
The Rickenbacker Causeway reopened after police closed the highway to check a suspicious package, according to The Miami Herald on Sept. 5.
“We found a duffel bag just sitting on the road,” said an officer on the scene. “Thankfully it was just a Rickenbacker on the Rickenbacker.”
Amateur Minnesota comics are taking a big leap forward by winning stand-up contests, according to The Minnesota Star Tribune on Sept. 5.
“It was quite strange. I showed up prepared to do a tight 15 minute set and it turned out to be a literal stand-up challenge,” said one of the comics. “There were 10 of us to start and I won by standing for 32 hours straight.”
The Inquirer asked readers on Sept. 6 “Why are the Eagles playing in Brazil?”
Money, duh.
Dick Cheney supports Harris, says Trump “can never be trusted with power again,” according to Politico on Sept. 6 (real quote).
This might be the most damning indictment against Trump — outside of a courtroom that is.
The Washington Post reported on Sept. 2 that Americans in the U.S. Open had a stare down with a big hurdle.
“I had no idea hurdles were going to be a part of this,” said an American tennis player. “I’m a tennis player, not a hurdler.”
A soccer player in England has been injured after a “pretty hefty sneeze,” according to CNN on Sept. 6.
“It was a sight to behold,” said Bolton manager Ian Evatt. “He came off the practice pitch and sneezed so aggressively that he flung himself across the locker room into the lockers, exacerbating his back injury.”
A Detroit metro area Judge has been relieved of her duties after recordings surfaced of her making racist and anti-gay slurs, according to The Detroit Free Press on Sept 6.
Probate Judge Kathleen Ryan referred to herself as “a new racist” (real quote).
It’s said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but apparently you can teach a new racist old slurs.
Las Vegas Metro Police arrested an evangelical pastor for allegedly having guns and drugs in his Strat Hotel room, according to KLAS-TV on Sept 7.
The incident has made it out of Las Vegas and into the national news.
“Give me a break,” the pastor said. “Did we just all forget that ‘what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’ or what?”
Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious unless otherwise noted. Any lack of joy as a result of this article is unintentional and we claim no responsibility.
