CNN reported on Aug. 26 that matching sets of dinosaur footprints have been discovered in Africa and South America.
The footprints are over 3,700 miles apart on opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean.
“This is huge news,” said one of the paleontologists who found the footprints. “Imagine how big this thing was if its feet were 3,700 miles apart!”

Over 9,500 cases of 100% apple juice sold at Walmart have been recalled due to high levels of arsenic, according to ABC News on Aug. 26.
“I guess it’s true what they say,” said a customer returning some apple juice. “Everything is trying to kill us.”

The Denver Post reported on Aug. 26 that Peyton Manning will grill Larry David at Denver’s Paramount Theatre.
“This seems insane,” said a Denver resident and self-proclaimed Larry David fan. “I thought cannibalism was illegal.”

Lily Allen is facing backlash after revealing that she returned a dog she adopted because it ate her passport, according to USA Today on Aug. 26.
“I don’t get it,” Allen said. “If the dog wanted to eat around the world we could’ve gone to Epcot.”

Piracy ring Fmovies has been shut down by police in Vietnam, according to The Guardian on Aug. 29.
The illegal streaming operation is considered the largest in the world.
“It’s amazing they got so big,” said a Vietnamese police officer, “considering they only hosted five movies.”
The five movies are as follows. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.

In an article published on Aug. 26 The Sacramento Bee asked “Where do most of Sacramento 311 calls about the homeless come from?”
The answer was simple. Most, if not all calls, came from phones.

A runner in Marblehead, Massachusetts may have been bitten by a coyote, according to the Boston Globe on Aug. 27.
The runner first reported the animal as a dog, but city officials believe it may have been a coyote.
“It just makes sense that it was a coyote. They’re Wile E. creatures,” said a Marblehead animal control employee. “They love to chase after roadrunners.”

Wall St was muted on Aug. 27 ahead of Nvidia results and economic data, according to Reuters.
When reached out for comment, Wall St was silent.

Arrests have been made at a Las Vegas spa tied to a money-laundering investigation, according to the Las Vegas Review-Journal on Aug. 27.
“We caught the money in the act,” said a Las Vegas police officer. “It had just finished up a massage and was on its way to a body wrap when we came on the scene.”

A top J.D. Vance aide previously worked for far-right consultancy with extremist links, according to The Guardian.
Are we meant to be surprised by this information?

Bill coming after Santa Cruz county official accused of $39 million theft, according to The Arizona Republic on Aug. 29.
“I don’t know who Bill is,” said the Arizona Auditor General. “But he can’t get here soon enough.”

A new cocktail bar opening in Kansas City is inspired by the Southwest, according to The Kansas City Star on Aug. 31.
“There’s a few things that come to mind when people think of Southwest,” said one of the owners. “Our biggest gimmicks are that our drinks are double the standard price, we keep a crying baby in the corner of the building at all times and the bar is built on a faultline so expect turbulence often.”

The BBC reported on Sept. 1 that a beluga whale has been found dead off the Norwegian coast.
The whale was suspected of having been trained as a spy for Russia.
Vladimir Putin may actually be a James Bond villain.

Italian rower Giacomo Perini was disqualified and lost his Paralympics bronze medal after he was found with a mobile phone on his boat in Paris on Sunday, but the athlete said it was an oversight and he never used it to communicate, according to Reuters.
“He was flying over the water,” said another rower. “He definitely set his phone to airplane mode.”

Adele told fans that “you won’t see me for an incredibly long time” after her tour ends in Las Vegas, according to The Times.
“After my tour ends people will be unable to see me,” Adele said. “I’ve finally figured out how to turn invisible and intend to try that out for a while.”

DISCLAIMER: All quotes are fictitious unless noted otherwise.