UPI reported on Aug. 19 that a kangaroo on the loose in Verdunville, West Virginia was causing a traffic jam.
The real question is what DMV allowed a kangaroo to get a license.
Thomson, Georgia Mayor Benjamin Cary Cranford was indicted on charges that he left a bottle of gin in a ditch for a state prison work crew.
“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world,” said Cary Cranford. “The police found mine.”
CNN reported on Aug. 20 about how the world’s tallest bridge changed the map of Europe.
How did it change the map? They had to add the bridge to it.
The Democratic National Convention adopted a platform that echoes Biden, according to ABC News on Aug. 19.
“It was really quite strange,” said a Democratic delegate. “If you stood near the stage you could hear the faintest message on repeat, “Biden, Biden, Biden”, just bouncing around the building.”
NBC News reported on Aug. 20 that newly appointed Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol will commute from Newport Beach, California to Seattle, Washington instead of relocating.
Niccol will utilize a corporate jet, as he is required to work out of the Seattle office three days a week. Glad to hear that Niccol is doing his part to fight climate change.
Financial Times reported on Aug. 21 that TD Bank has set aside $2.6 billion as it prepares for penalties from the U.S. government as a result of an investigation in an anti-money-laundering program.
Thank goodness for those deficiencies in the anti-money laundering program so they could afford such hefty fines.
A postcard originally sent in 1903 has finally been delivered to its intended recipient in Swansea, Wales, according to the BBC on Aug. 21.
Take this as a reminder that as bad as the USPS can be at times, at least it’s not The Royal Mail.
A U.S. government report has determined “with moderate confidence” that there is a link between higher levels of fluoride exposure and lower IQ in kids, according to AP on Aug. 21.
Prepare yourselves for your uncle to rant and rave about this on Thanksgiving.
USA Today reported on Aug. 22 that federal agents in Australia arrested an airline passenger who opened a plane’s emergency exit door, walked along a wing, and climbed down an engine to the tarmac.
The aircraft was parked at the time of the incident. “It was terrifying. He kept appearing and disappearing on the wing,” said a fellow passenger who had a window seat. “I opened my window at one point and I was face to face with the guy. I couldn’t hold it in. I yelled ‘there’s a man on the wing’ and alerted the flight crew immediately.”
Official statistics reveal fewer people are moving to the U.K. to work in the NHS, according to the BBC on Aug. 22.
It’s almost as if restrictions placed on foreign workers are stopping them from working.
A rumor has been circulating that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. could be Donald Trump’s Secretary of Health.
There would be nothing better than an anti-vaccine advocate running the Department of Health.
U.S. regulators will not be able to finalize capital hikes before the November presidential election, according to Reuters on Aug. 22.
“We all wanted to get these hikes set in stone before November,” said a regulator. “Summer is nearly over and we have hikes planned in Acadia and Yellowstone that may have to be postponed until next year now. Some of us bought new hiking staffs that we really wanted to use.”
Sports Illustrated reported on Aug. 21 that former NBA player Rasheed Wallace argued on his YouTube channel that Michael Jordan was more of a threat during his time with the Washington Wizards rather than with the Chicago Bulls where he won six NBA championships.
I believe we have reached the pinnacle of basketball debates. This is it. The worst take ever has finally been made. It’s time to pack it all up and go home.
Hunter Biden’s lawyers claim prosecution is trying to ‘slime him’ in tax trial, according to The Independent on Aug. 22.
“They keep scheduling meetings in Burbank, California,” said one of Biden’s lawyers. “I swear one day I even saw a big bucket of green slime in the rafters above one of our conference rooms.”
A DUI checkpoint was scheduled in Greene County for last week in August.
“Looks like I’m in the clear this week then,” said a local drunk man. “They didn’t catch me last week so I must have missed them.”
DISCLAIMER: All quotes are fictitious unless noted otherwise.
Correction: This story was updated on Sept. 2, 2024 to include a disclaimer.
