The Meadville Tribune reported on Jan. 19 that the borough of Conneautville had been awarded a $265,000 grant to repair the Conneautville Dam.
“I’m glad to hear we got the funding,” said a Conneautville resident. “Sounds like a damn grand dam grant.”

Florida Governor Ron Desantis suspended his presidential campaign on Jan. 21, according to the Miami Herald. He has pledged his support for Donald Trump.
“You can be the most worthless Republican in America, but if you kiss the ring, he’ll say you’re wonderful,” Desantis told a group of Iowans about Trump (real quote).
I wonder how the ring tastes.
In other news, Trump has released a statement deeming Desantis a “wonderful guy.”

The Hill reported on Jan. 22 that Rep. Dean Phillips (D-MN) will not run as a candidate with political party No Labels.
“If I’m going to lose this election, I’m going to do it my way,” Phillips said.

Politico reported on Jan. 23 that Republicans had rapped a Department of Defense nominee over border policy and the incursion of a Chinese spy balloon.
“I’ve never been a part of something like this in my life,” said the nominee. “I didn’t realize so many senators were so well versed in the likes of Drake, 21 Savage and Nicki Minaj.”

A pig is currently recovering at a clinic in Franklin after a plane crash.
Pig, an aptly named male pot-bellied pig, was on board a plane that crashed on Jan. 15 at the Venango Regional Airport.
To anyone who promised to do something when pigs fly, remember that you probably never specified that they had to land properly.

The Milwaukee Bucks have hired Doc Rivers to be their new head coach after the firing of Adrian Griffin.
This hiring has all but guaranteed the Bucks will make the second round of the NBA playoffs — where they’ll swiftly be eliminated due to Rivers’ coaching ineptitude.

WVNews reported on Jan. 26 that Don Blankenship has filed to represent West Virginia in the U.S. Senate.
Blankenship is most well known for his time as Massey Energy CEO when the Upper Big Branch Mine disaster occurred, killing 29 people. He is also known for his unsuccessful run for a Senate seat in 2018.
In that 2018 race, he ran as a self-described “radical” Republican. This time around, he is now a registered Democrat.
I look forward to his 2030 senatorial campaign, when he will run as an independent.

Tesla Inc. shares have dropped 26% this month, erasing $205 billion in market valuation, according to Bloomberg.
This will be the sixth consecutive week of the stock closing lower — the longest losing streak since 2016 for the company.
“Nobody can lose like me,” said Elon Musk, the CEO of the company. “X losing money and Tesla losing money, I’d be bothered by it if I wasn’t still the world’s richest man.”
Bloomberg reported nearly six hours before the last headline that Bernard Arnault — the CEO of luxury goods company LVMH — has now passed Musk in becoming the world’s richest man.
“LVMH shares are going through the roof,” Arnault said. “This is a great time for my family and myself.”
Musk appeared to handle the news quite differently.
“I’ve deactivated the LVMH Twitter and Arnault’s personal accounts,” said Musk. “Oh no! I mean their X accounts.”

Time magazine reported that Donald Trump is opposing the ongoing border funding negotiations happening in Congress.
President Joe Biden released a statement promising to shut down the border if the plan became law.
“Only I can shut the border down,” Trump said. “I was able to shut the government down for 35 days when I was president. Imagine how long I can shut the border down for!”

Billions of cicadas are expected to surface this year. The two groups that will make an appearance in the spring are the Great Southern Brood, which appears every 13 years, and the Northern Illinois Brood, which appears every 17 years, according to CNN.
Such a cicada congruence hasn’t happened since Thomas Jefferson was president.
You have to respect the organizational skills of cicadas, no doubt.
This is also a big win for fans of background noise.

Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious unless otherwise noted. We claim no responsibility for any stomach pain as a result of laughing.