A headline from Slate reads, “Kevin McCarthy is Fleeing the Dumpster Fire,” in reference to his Congressional exit planned for  the end of the year.

That’s like coming across a house fire, throwing gas on it, watching it grow and saying, “This is getting out of hand,” and running away.

The U.S. is worried about the lengths Venezuela is willing to go after threatening to invade an oil-rich region of Guyana, reports Stars and Stripes.

“I can’t believe Venezuela would do such a thing,” said an anonymous U.S. diplomat. “They know we have permanent dibs on any oil deposits.”

The Miami Herald reports that Florida rapper Kodak Black is facing charges of cocaine possession, evidence tampering, and improperly stopping, standing or parking after being found asleep in his Bentley at 3 a.m. in Plantation, Florida.

That just goes to show that if you snooze, you lose.

Seattle Parks and Recreation is canceling its proposal to build a new kids play area at a beach park known as an unofficial nude hangout, reports The Seattle Times.

“We had to cancel it for safety reasons,” said an anonymous Parks and Recreation official. “Combining chrome playground equipment and nudists is just asking for burns.”

Kotaku reports that the upcoming always-online game “Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League” will eventually receive an offline story mode. 

The game is being developed by Rocksteady Studios, who are most well known for their “Arkham” series of Batman games.

I think I should start writing this column in the same way. I’ll give you half the column on Friday, and then at a later, undisclosed time, the rest will randomly appear on the website.

At least if I did that, the paper isn’t $70 like the game will be.

A ring valued at €750,000 (about $807,000) has been recovered after being lost at the Ritz hotel in Paris, reports The Guardian.

Two days after being reported missing, the hotel revealed the ring was found inside the bag of a vacuum cleaner.

“I mentioned to the hotel staff that I needed to get my ring polished,” said the owner of the ring. “I didn’t expect them to take me to the cleaners like that.

The ink hasn’t dried yet, but the contract is in effect. Shohei Ohtani will earn $700 million over ten years, according to his new deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Ohtani spent six years in nearby Anaheim playing for the Angels — a period he spoke fondly of in an Instagram post announcing his departure.

Mike Trout has decided, after hearing about Ohtani, that he will be starting next season on the injured list.

Wrestling legend Mick Foley shared a video of himself online where he asked for help climbing the ranks of Cameo, according to Complex.

He currently sits in the 11th spot.

The elusive number-one spot is occupied by George Santos. 

Foley would be number one in requests if the numbers from his main account were combined with those from his other accounts — those being Cactus Jack, Mankind and Dude Love.

Axios reports that Cigna will be abandoning its efforts to merge with rival insurer Humana. The parties were unable to agree on a price.

It appears that even health insurance companies can’t afford health insurance.

The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and Navy officials have started preparations for a “Dredge Readiness Plan” for Key West Harbor, according to the Key West Citizen.

“I’m dreading the dredging,” said an anonymous engineer. “Whenever the plan is executed, I expect the dredgeman to get drenched no matter how they dress. It’s a dreary job that makes you feel like a dreg.”

Grand County, Utah, has approved a cost-of-living adjustment of 3.2% for its employees, reports the Moab Times-Independent.

This COLA bump is meant to assuage employees’ concerns about their salaries and inflation.

“I’m glad to see a COLA bump for next year,” said an anonymous county clerk. “The vending machines in the county buildings run out of Coke and Pepsi so fast. I’m glad to hear we don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

Some county employees were not as enthusiastic about the increase, claiming such costs would be passed down to the taxpayers.

“They don’t have any caffeine-free cola in these machines,” said an anonymous county commissioner, “and they want to bump up the amount of regular cola we stock without giving us any healthier alternatives. The taxpayers should only pay for an increase in caffeine-free soda selection.”

Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious. We take no responsibility for any accumulated rib pain as a result of laughing.