I have been diagnosed.

And for over a month now I have kept this secret from friends and family.

But Glenn Beck is certain.

At a conference entitled CPAC, which certainly must stand for “Concerned Professionals of America Conference,” myself and too many other Americans were diagnosed with a deadly disease.

Progressivism.

“Progressivism is a cancer in America,” announced Beck.

I couldn’t believe it. I considered myself to be a pretty progressive thinker. But now I understand that, as healthy as I may feel, the truth is that I am very, very sick.

How did this happen? I wondered.

But then I began to analyze my life. I realized that I had exposed myself unknowingly to a myriad of carcinogens.

My poisonous ideas of environmental regulations as well as my acceptance of amendments to the Constitution that guarantee toxic things like free speech (1st Amendment), the abolishment of slavery (13th) and women’s suffrage (19th) has spread the disease throughout my body.

Our constitution is “being eaten,” as Dr. Beck classified it, by these things like “regulation” and “amendments”.

And at a time like this I can only help but wonder: am I covered?

Last week the year (plus) long debate on health care in American ended with the passage of historic legislation.

America has now become a socialist country. Medicaid and Medicare, social insurance programs, have existed for about 50 years but it is only now that we are truly socialists –– after all, no one hates Medicaid and Medicare.

I guess it’s not really the government then.

Even if there is no public option and that the government helps regulate insurance practices while taxing those who don’t get coverage and subsidizes coverage based on the ability to pay, health care will be rationed.

Why did they have to change the health care system anyways?

Everyone knows that America has the best health care system in the world.

The World Health Organization must have accidently numbered the United States at 37 and wrongly ranked France and Italy (which have universal health care systems) as the top two in its rankings.

Senator John McCain announced that he is done working with the Democrats, saying, quote, “There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year.”

I’m glad that the former presidential nominee is making a stand.

Instead of pushing the legislation to a more central position by working in cotangent with the Democrats, Republicans stood by their “kill the bill” stance and having all 176 Republican House members vote against the bill just illustrates how willing they were to work together.

By promising future prevention of bipartisan legislation on issues like economic recovery, the Republicans are looking towards the future.

Also, stirring hatred for the legislation is clearly in the best interest of the country.

Labeling the representative (Congressman Stupak) who forced the president to declare an executive order continuing a federal ban on funding for abortions as a “Baby Killer” and calling the president a liar is only speaking the truth.

Racial epithets hurled at congressman, faxes of nooses, and vandalism of local congressional offices ensures that the American people are heard.

The parents who cannot find an insurance company to cover their child with asthma because of his/her “preexisting condition,” the recently graduated young adults who cannot find a job in this economy, and those too poor to afford coverage have been heard.

With insurance companies no longer able to deny coverage because of preexisting conditions, young adults being able to stay on their parents’ coverage plan until 26, and the health care extension with subsidizes helps 30 million Americans.

Hopefully, we’ll all be covered for Progressivism.

Brian Anderson is a member of the class of 2013. He can be reached at [email protected].