This article was produced for The Compost, our April Fool’s issue. The contents are entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to real people or events is entirely coincidental.
By BON QUI QUEEF
In an effort to improve Allegheny’s diversity, the administration made the decision to purchase cardboard cutouts to place around campus.
The board of trustees controls funding for the installation, adding it as an addendum to the current campus beautification project.
A poll was sent out from the administration to the students for cutout choices. Leading the pack is Barack Obama with 35 percent of the vote.
Ellen DeGeneres and Lady Gaga are tied in second, each with 20 percent of the vote. Abed from the ABC show “Community” came in third, with approximately 15 percent.
Popular write-in votes included “not Charlie Sheen,” “not Rebecca Black” and James Franco. The poll is based on only 39 student votes because it was done on Sakai instead of Google.
The administration worked with the Physical Plant to plan where the cutouts will be placed on campus.
They decided the highest frequency of cutouts will be installed in the campus center, Gator Quad and in front the admissions office, for maximum exposure.
“I think it’s a really great idea,” said Gator Guide Quinn Hamlogger, ’12. “It’s important for prospective students to see this addition because it shows how much our college values a diverse environment for our education.”
Matthew Slice, an employee of the merged Allegheny Admissions/Marketing/Communications Office, also supports the project. He believes critics of the project don’t understand how it can enhance the Allegheny College brand.
He also believes no one understands what offices exist at 454 North Main St. anymore.
“It’s important for students to see ‘unusual combinations’ of people,” said Slice. “Those people don’t necessarily need to be real. It’s all about perception. It’s actually better this way because we reap the benefits of more diversity but don’t have to find dorm rooms for more people.”
Because of the nature and number of hate crimes this year, the Board of Trustees created a fund to raise money for diversity efforts entitled Reach for Allegheny Cultural Expansion.
RACE is currently taking donations from alumni to fund the cutout installation and fund a scholarship for underprivilaged students from rural areas.
“RACE is something we’ve needed on campus for a while,” said Allegheny Trustee Muffy Goldstein-Potter, who created the scholarship in her own name for this specific cause. “I’m a strong believer that RACE will put Allegheny on the map as a diverse institution with progressive viewpoints and I think this scholarship will help achieve that goal.”
The Goldstein-Potter Scholarship will be available by 2015 and will be awarded to one outstanding student of Irish, English, Scottish or Jewish descent, claiming a vague need of financial assistance.
The cutout installation will be completed by the next Black History Month or Asian History Month, definitely one of the two.