This article was produced for The Compost, our April Fool’s issue. The contents are entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to real people or events is entirely coincidental.
By LUCAS MCCREADY
Bucking the trend of high-profile, overachieving commencement speakers that actually leave the graduating class more terrified of the real world, the College has announced that Olmec, the stone head from Legends of the Hidden Temple, will offer his wisdom to the graduating class of 2011.
The announcement comes after months of negotiations with Olmec’s notoriously stringent and overly enthusiastic agent and former host of the show, Kirk Fogg. ASG president and vice president Shane Dowling and Jaime Havens opened discussions in late October after being inspired by the Nickelodeon Homecoming theme.
“Don’t let the cargo pants and denim shirt fool you, he’s one hell of a business man,” said Havens. “I never thought he would be like that, especially since he seemed so fun when he would swing into the show on a rope.”
Following a $5,000 offer, Fogg declined and demanded the school either give Olmec $3 million over the next four years, or pay Pendants of Life, a more stable currency.
“We seriously considered paying in dollars, especially since I’m sure there’s tons of leftover money from the tuition increases,” Dowling said. “I mean, we have wireless in some of our buildings now, so what else would the school spend it on?”
Seeing an opportunity to save money for another mid-nineties band next year, the duo decided to take up the colors of the Blue Barracudas and compete against seven other NCAC schools.
After making it across the moat and waltzing down the Steps of Knowledge, the two were pitted against the Green Monkeys from Wooster. For the first time this year, Allegheny prevailed over Wooster in a form of physical competition, sweeping the temple games and earning the two Pendants.
Having secured Olmec for the school, they entered the Temple in hopes of winning personal prizes for themselves. Following the tried and true technique of letting the girl go first, Havens made it through the Pit of the Pendulum, the King’s Storeroom and the Dark Forest, only to be captured by a Temple Guard in the Mineshaft.
“I’m pretty sure he wasn’t wearing pants,” Havens said. “And his breath smelled like tequila. Shitty tequila.”
With just a minute remaining to capture Montezuma’s Orb of A Thousand Pleasures, Dowling blazed through the trail Havens had made, entering the Shrine of the Silver Monkey with the orb just one room away in the Throne Room and 30 seconds on the clock. But as we have seen countless times, the pressure of the Monkey was too much, and Dowling made it no further.
“I couldn’t believe that I messed that part up considering how many times I said ‘I could do that’ back in the day,” Dowling said. “Having already secured a pair of LA Lights shoes just for entering the temple, I really wanted to at least take home some Squand if I couldn’t win a trip to Space Camp.”
Following a brief interview with Olmec before the studio turned their power off, the sculpture revealed that his speech will be titled, “The Choices are Yours, and Yours Alone: How to Be Good At Life Using Just Your Head.”
Students can expect to hear sage advice on the topics of traversing water, listening comprehension, the art of competition and temple navigating, and will be given their own pair of LA Lights shoes just for making it to commencement.