This article was produced for The Compost, our April Fool’s issue. The contents are entirely fabricated. Any resemblance to real people or events is entirely coincidental.
By OLIVIA PRITZKER
Due to the interception of a note passed by English Professor Elizabeth Heron to her colleague in the English department Caldwell Lippert, the entire faculty was torn in two last Friday, pitting Heron’s supporters against those who sympathize with Chinese Professor Karen Yang, or simply don’t like Heron.
“Lizzie’s been really cruel to some of us,” said a math professor who wished to remain anonymous, due to fear of backlash from Heron’s supporters.
“Did you know she has a ‘Burn Book’? I’m in it. She wrote I have scaly dry eyebrows that flake on everyone and that my thesis about the geometry of r-axis theoretical confutations was completely flawed.”
“What does she know about confutations,” he added. “I mean, really.”
According to eyewitnesses, upon intercepting the note, Yang ran up to the chair of the meeting, biology professor Zachary Elman, screaming and crying hysterically about “slander,” “that bitch” and “intellectual theft.”
“She called me a crusty eggroll,” said Chinese Professor Karen Yang, after the meeting. “How can she possibly expect me to join her at next month’s symposium on Chinese-American literature? I just feel really, like, betrayed, you know?”
The Campus has obtained a copy of the note, which reads, “Did you see what that fugly slut Karen wore to the FFC meeting? God, with that haircut and completely outdated clothes, that crusty eggroll totally deserves to be dumped from the department. I can’t believe she thinks she’s going to get tenure, with THOSE cankles.”
Professor Heron defended her note, saying that she’s the arbiter of all things fashionable in faculty meetings and the rest of the faculty would be “lost” without her.
“I mean, if I don’t tell them what’s hot and what’s not, how will they ever know?” she said. “Like, somebody has to keep the grody Math professors away from the bros in Poli Sci and Econ, or they’d totally murder each other.”
“Besides,” she added, “Karen wasn’t even supposed to see that note. And anyways, it’s true.”
Elman read the note out loud and attempted to chastise Heron over the escalating din of catcalls and boos, according to attendees of the faculty meeting.
After he was finally able to regain the room’s attention, by threatening to cut dental insurance for the entire faculty, he asked for suggestions on how to solve the negative sentiment that pervading the staff.
Psychology professor Eloise Grand stood up to offer a potential explanation and a solution.
“I just told everyone to chill, that it was probably just latent sexual desires overtaking all their ids, and all the negativity was an attempt to reconcile the cognitive dissonance of working so close with so many sexies and not being able to do anything about it,” she explained after the meeting.
Grand suggested the entire faculty crash the Delt highlighter dance party this weekend, in an attempt to release some of that repressed energy.
“It would also use up the total backlog of highlighters we have in the department” she said of the proposal. “Our secretary ordered too many.”
The proposal was met with general enthusiasm, so students can expect to see many of their favorite professors grinding against the sweaty walls of the Delt basement this Saturday.
After leaving the meeting, professors could be heard gossiping about their proposed outfits for the party and their plans to pregame.
“Dude, bro, there’s gonna be mad drunk bitches at this party, I’m so ready to slam,” said economics professor Bill Nagy to political science Professor Robert Lee over a chest bump.