The Hill reported on Sept. 8 that Miami Dolphins player Tyreek Hill was detained by police hours before the season opener.
“I had the Jaguars to cover the spread,” said one of the arresting officers. “I bet my mortgage payment this month on them. I had to do something.”
The University of Pittsburgh has cut ties with Athletic Director Heather Lyke, according to The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review on Sept. 9.
“It was a bit odd, but overall quite fun,” Lyke said. “The ties were hard to cut, but eventually I was able to form a doll chain out of one of the ties.”
Ghost kitchens in Albuquerque are here to stay, according to the Albuquerque Journal on Sept. 9.
“This is fantastic news,” said a member of the New Mexico branch of the Ghostbusters. “Most of our business comes from dealing with these kitchens.”
Sen. Tommy Tuberville has blocked the promotion of Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin’s top military aide, according to The Washington Post on Sept. 10.
Tuberville froze the nomination of Lt. Gen. Ronald P. Clark to become the four-star commander of all U.S. Army forces in the Pacific.
This situation harks back to last year when Tuberville placed holds on hundreds of military promotions, eventually relinquishing the holds after his Republican colleagues publicly confronted him.
“I don’t trust the Pentagon,” Tuberville said. “Four sides is more than enough. I can’t trust anybody working in a five sided building.”
An eye in the sky will seek old oil and gas wells, according to The Derrick on Sept. 11.
“I thought the rapture had begun,” stated an Oil City resident. “This massive eye appeared from the heavens and was scanning the land below. I was terrified. It never once blinked.”
High lead levels have been found in spice blends from 12 different brands, according to CNN on Sept. 12.
“It’s a spice blend,” said an anonymous spice brand representative. “Is lead not a spice?”
The Washington Post reported on Sept. 12 that a rumble echoed around the world for nine days. Scientists believe they now know what caused it.
“The answer is quite simple,” said one of the lead scientists on the project. “Earth was hungry.”
Eric D. Breakiron was arrested on Sept. 11 after he broke into a South Union Township residence and made himself at home, according to The Observer-Reporter on Sept. 13.
“Once inside the residence, Breakiron wanted to relax in the air conditioning and watch television. So, he removed his shoes, socks, and shirt after he turned on all the televisions. He then ate a banana flavored popsicle and drank a bottle of water,” police wrote in the complaint (real quote).
“It was a hot day and I saw this house had a window open,” Breakiron said. “If that’s not an invitation to come inside, then what is?”
The Meadville Community Revitalization Corporation hosted a weeding and mulching event on Thursday, according to The Meadville Tribune.
“The mulching is something the city desperately needs,” said a city resident. “But I thought weed was illegal in this state. I don’t know how they got permission to do that but kudos to them.”
Politico reported on Sept. 15 that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is not going anywhere.
“He’s really dug in. He won’t move an inch,” said an advisor to Trudeau. “He’s got two years of toilet paper stocked in his office lavatory and a lifetime supply of beans. I doubt he’ll ever leave his office again.”
UPI reported on Sept. 11 that a coyote was rescued after it had spent several days living in a family’s backyard in San Francisco.
“They didn’t rescue me. They evicted me,” the coyote said. “Have you seen how much rent is in this city? I finally found a comfortable studio apartment in this family’s backyard and they tossed me out. I signed a lease!”
Disclaimer: All quotes are fictitious unless otherwise noted. Any lack of joy as a result of this article is unintentional and we claim no responsibility.
