The Compost – Looking to the stars: Your guide to life

By BOWSER

Featured Astrologist

ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19)

Your fears that perhaps no one will ever love you will be eliminated when you become finally, undeniably certain that no one will ever love you.

TAURUS (APRIL 20 – MAY 20)

Keep Re-Tweeting Conan O’Brien… he’s bound to notice you eventually!

GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 21)

Remember that time you threw up on Brooks Walk? Everybody knows it was you.

CANCER (JUNE 22 – JULY 22)

When you’re feeling down, look into doing some charity work. The people you help will really appreciate the aid, and you can remind yourself that at least you aren’t them.

LEO (JULY 23 – AUGUST 22)

Forget regret! There’s no day but today. Challenge that professor you hate to pistols at dawn.

VIRGO (AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22)

You may not be too excited to go home for Easter, but hey, it’s your fault for making that sex tape.

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 23)

There isn’t enough old-school bullying around anymore; give that nerd in your English class a swirly!

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 24 – NOVEMBER 21)

It’s time to reconnect with your childhood. Gather some friends and drink until you’re mentally seven years old.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21)

To take the stress off of the sentencing for that pesky stalking charge, imagine the judge is naked under his robes.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19)

Quit reading horoscopes. Life is meaningless, and it’s ridiculous to pretend you have any control anyway.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18)

Tell your boyfriend you’re pregnant. If he proposes, go with it, and if he doesn’t, he was never worth your time in the first place.

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20)

Flip through some old photo albums from your childhood, and wistfully remember that you’ll never be that happy again.

Bowser is a member of the class of 2013. He can be reached at [email protected]